Why Would A Cheating Husband Admit Everything To His Wife?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are confused as to why a married man would suddenly come out and admit everything about an affair when this wasn’t necessary. Often, the wife doesn’t suspect anything. But for whatever reason, he feels the need to confess anyway. I often hear from both wives and “other women” with this question.
From the other woman I might hear something like: “what makes the affair so awful is that I know his wife. We are friends. We’re not best friends or even close friends. But we were friendly. I did always feel guilty about the affair, but this didn’t mean that I wanted for it to end. I am not going to say that I was thinking about marriage with this man. But I was thinking about a long term relationship. Things were going very well between us. I felt very close to him. He showed no reservations or signs of guilt. And then out of the blue, he called me and told me that he confessed everything to his wife. While we were on the phone, there was a banging on my door. It was his wife – coming over to confront me and to demand answers. Now, I’m constantly getting nasty calls, texts, and emails from this angry wife. Why in the world would he have told her?”
From the wife, I might hear something like: “seemingly out of no where, my husband confessed an affair with one of my friends. I was stunned for many reasons but mostly, I was so surprised because our marriage was actually going well. I didn’t suspect that anything was wrong. In fact, my husband and I were looking to buy a new home. Who thinks about the future in this way while they are having an affair? He says he wanted to tell me because he respects me too much to continue to keep this from me. I am wondering if he told me to hurt me but I don’t know why he’d do this. I haven’t done anything to make him want to hurt me. Why would he confess to me when he didn’t have to?”
I have my theories as to why a husband will suddenly confess. This theory is only based on my opinion that has been formed by own situation, from my research, and by hearing from others in the same situation. But here are some reasons that I believe that men confess:
He Feels Guilty And The Guilt Is Motivating Him More Than His Desire To Keep The Affair Going: People often assume that once a spouse is able to overcome the guilt of cheating, then he’s overcome his reservations and he won’t revisit the issue again. This isn’t true. The lies accumulate and so does the guilt. He starts to feel horrible every time he looks into his wife’s trusting eyes and realizes that he is continuing to betray her. So he realizes that none of this is worth it. And so he tells the truth because he knows that it is the right thing to do and he is hoping to get some relief from the guilt.
This His Way Of Ending The Affair Because He Wants Out: Some men hesitate to be honest with the other women when they want to end the affair. So they figure if they tell their wife, then it will be obvious to every one that he has no choice but to break things off.
He May Indeed Respect His Wife Enough To Quit Lying: The wife assumed that the whole “I respect you too much” excuse was only posturing. But in truth, he could be being completely upfront about this. Once the novelty of the affair wears off, men do come to realize that their spouse does not deserve this type of treatment and disrespect. And, even if they have lied in the past, the want to break that habit immediately – even if doing so might mean a lot of trouble for them.
They Want Their Marriage And They Realize That Coming Clean Is The First Step: People often assume that men who cheat are no longer invested in their marriages. This isn’t always true either. Many men who cheat will tell you that they still adore their wives and they still very much want their marriages. When they realize how much they have put this whole process into jeopardy, the first step to remedying this is to start telling the truth. Often, once the decision to confess is made, there is no need to delay. So he comes right out with it even if it is an abrupt decision.
Talking about the affair is never easy. But the husband is right in thinking that honesty is the best thing. There may be hard times ahead and things that you will need to work through. But telling the truth is always better than continuing to lie and continuing to betray.
It would matter to me if my husband took the initiative to confess. Yes, hearing the confession would hurt. But a painful truth is better than a comfortable lie. If it helps, you can read more about how I navigated my own husband’s affair my on blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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