Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are just feeling the full impact of regret after they have cheated or had an affair.  Many of these people questioned their love or commitment to their spouse while the affair was going on.  So now, in the aftermath, their feelings are confusing to them, because they were sure that they felt something for their affair partner.

But when the affair ends or is found out, the confused feelings can become much more clear. Many of these folks find that the feelings for the spouse return in a strong and fast way. Unfortunately though, their spouse may have negative feelings for them and may not reciprocate.  It can be difficult to finally realize that you still love your spouse only to have your spouse look at you with anger and seemingly hatred in their eyes.  You can be fully aware that you want your spouse back or that you want to save your marriage while you wonder if you even have that right to want these things because of your affair.

A wife might say: “I’m embarrassed to admit it now, but there was a time about two months ago when I wasn’t even sure if I loved my husband anymore.  I felt like I had something special with the ‘other man.’  However, once my husband found out and I was faced with losing him and potentially not having him in my life anymore, things were crystal clear to me. I do not want to lose him.  I do not want to give up my marriage.  I still love him, but our marriage had been deteriorating.  I feel like we could fix this, but he says that he does not think that he can ever get past my betrayal.  He says that it might be better if we divorce.  I can not accept this.  I told my best friend that I intend to fight for my husband, but she says that I gave up the right to fight for him when I cheated.  Is she correct?”

Your friend is expressing what is only an opinion, which would be all that I would have – an opinion.  There are really only two people whose opinion matters – yours and your husband.  However, I can tell you how your husband might feel and can give you some insights on his thought process.  Because I was the faithful spouse also.  So I know know how it feels to be part of that equation.

If you are going to fight for your marriage, I believe that you should not come on too strongly with this.  You don’t want to make it look like you are not considering your spouse’s feelings and wishes.  You don’t want to look as if what you want is the only thing that matters to you.

However, if you are absolutely sure that you are willing to do the work to not only maintain your marriage, but to make it a marriage where your husband can be secure, happy, and fulfilled, then there is nothing wrong with trying to make him understand this and hoping that one day, he will give you a chance to prove it.

But that is different than trying to force him to see things your way or coming on too strongly because you are only worried about what you want.

Right now, your husband is likely struggling to process this.  He may not have decided what he wants.   This is a lot to process and he may not be able to see beyond his anger and shock at this time.  That is normal.  He is probably doing the best that he can and he does not need pressure right now.

That’s why I think that it is best to lay the ground work, but then to give him some time if he’s indicated that he needs it.  The conversation might go something like this: “I know that you are furious and hurt.  You have a right to be both of those things.  I made a horrible mistake.  I regret it every second.  The threat of losing you has made me see just how important you and our marriage are to me. I know that I have no right to ask you to consider working with me to save those things.  So I will not ask that of you right now.  I only ask that somewhere deep down, you might be open to this possibility in the future. I would be happy to do anything that is needed to help us move forward.  I know that it won’t be easy. I know that it would take a lot of work. I know that I would have to earn your trust back.  But I am patient. And I am willing to do all of those things.  I am also willing to let you set the pace.  I know that you are probably not open to me right now.  And I understand that. But I hope that one day, you will be.  And I am willing to wait until that day comes.”

After you’ve said this, you have to be willing to be receptive to your spouse, but not to push. You have to remember that your spouse did nothing wrong and giving them time is the least that you can do.  If you are patient and you are clear that you are more worried about what your husband needs and wants than your own needs, your chances will increase that he will one day be open to you.

And you won’t have to “fight” for your marriage.  Instead, you will have a partnership in which you are both trying to save it together.  I was not sure that my husband deserved any chance with me after his affair.  But he was very patient and he made it clear that he would wait as long as it took and do whatever I needed.  Over time, I decided to be open to him.  But it was a while before I made the decision to try to maintain my marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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