Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: When you catch your spouse cheating or having an affair, things can generally go one of two ways – either you and your spouse both agree that you want to stay together and work things out or one or both of you does not want to work it out. Admittedly, this can change over time.  But initially, people tend to have strong feelings one way or another.

People often assume that it is the cheating spouse who is not committed to fixing the marriage, but this isn’t always true. Not by a long shot. Very often, getting caught makes the cheating spouse realize that they took a huge risk. And it is not until they are faced with losing their spouse that they realize how much they don’t want to face that loss.

In situations like this, the cheating spouse is almost begging the faithful spouse to take them back or to save the marriage. But of course, not everyone is going to be willing to do this. Some people see this as very cut and dry.  In their eyes, cheating is a deal breaker for which there will be no second chances.

Of course, just because you feel this way, that doesn’t mean that everyone is going to respect your feelings and not question them. Your spouse may well attempt to pressure you into giving them a second chance. Friends or family members may ask if it is in your best interest to act so swiftly and to try to make it on your own. This can make it feel as if everyone is ganging up on you and not listening to what you have to say.

A wife might explain: “my husband was well aware of the fact that I consider cheating unacceptable. My husband and I watched my brother-in-law’s cheating tear my sister’s family apart. The kids are devastated. My sister is struggling. I commented at that time that as hard as it would be, I thought that my sister should divorce her husband because once your spouse cheats, your marriage is never the same. Well, of course my husband eventually cheated. And now, I feel the need to make good on what I’ve already said. Although my husband is proclaiming how badly he wants me back to anyone who will listen, I don’t want him. I truly don’t. Yes, I’m sad that this is going to mean the end of our marriage and our family. Yes, this is a real tragedy. But it is my husband’s fault. Not mine. However, my husband pretty much seeks me out every day to tell me how much he wants me.  He calls my family and whines to them to make them feel sorry for him.  And now my sister has told me that not at least giving him a chance to fix this would be a mistake. She says that it is so hard being on your own and that she misses her husband. She said her advice to me is to give him another chance. Why don’t people understand that he may want me, but I do not want him?”

This is only my opinion, based on what I went through myself, but I think that it is not that people don’t understand or believe you, it’s that they are hoping that you choose another way. They likely believe that ending your marriage is a huge and often final decision and they don’t want to see you make a rash decision that you may later regret.

However, when it comes to your marriage and your own life, these choices are yours to make. It is not anyone else’s business. Yes, the people who are giving you advice very likely are acting out of love and concern and they think that they are helping you. But quite honestly, it is no one’s decision but yours.

And as long as you know that you have carefully considered all of the important issues, then I honestly do not think you need to worry about the opinions of others. Yes, your husband may want his marriage desperately, but the decision is not solely his. You have a choice. Your sister may mean well, but it is not her life. It is yours.

No one can predict the future. When we make decisions, we have no way to know if we are going to come to regret them or to know that they were right. We can only go by what we feel is the best choice for us at the time and then do the best that we can once we’ve made the choice. But his wanting you should not dictate your decision about wanting him. You get to decide where you want to go from here. It is your life. And your choice.

If you’d like to have a direct conversation about this, you might try something like: “I am hearing you. And I appreciate what you have to say. But ultimately, this is my decision because it is my life. I know that you are acting out of love and concern. But I am really the only one who can make this decision based on what I want and need. I ask that you respect this. If you really want what is best for me, then respect me enough to believe that I know what is best. I understand that you have your own take on all of this. And that is fine. But it’s ultimately my choice because I am the one who has to live with the consequences of my choices. Just like everyone else.”

I admit that, after the smoke cleared and much healing too place after the affair, I chose to try to fix my marriage – which we eventually did.  But I did not make that choice because I was pressured to.  I did not make that choice because I didn’t want to be judged by others.  I made that choice because I decided it was what I wanted.  It was my choice and I made it on my own. You read more about my struggles and realizations after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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