Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I’m often asked a very complex question: “Why did he cheat? Was it me? Was it our marriage?”

And while I completely understand those questions (I’ve asked them myself in the past), my answer is usually not what most women expect to hear.

Many people assume that a man cheats because the marriage is broken. Or because he’s bored. Or because he finds someone younger, prettier, more exciting. They assume he’s no longer attracted to his wife — or that his wife didn’t appreciate him enough, or wasn’t available enough, or didn’t “keep things interesting.” But here’s the surprising truth: those aren’t the most common reasons at all.

The Real Reason Many Husbands Cheat? It’s Not Always About You (It’s About Him): After talking to couples,  studying infidelity patterns, and going through this myself, I can tell you this with confidence — more often than not, a husband cheats because of something going on inside himself, not because of something lacking in his wife.

In fact, I’ve spoken to men who are married to beautiful, loving, attentive women — and still cheated. And almost every time, there’s a recurring theme: doubt. Not about the marriage — but about themselves. Many husbands hit a point in their lives where they begin questioning their worth. They worry they’re getting older, less desirable, less successful, or less relevant.

Sometimes, they go through a personal crisis — a job loss, aging parents, an identity shift. And instead of facing those emotions head-on, they look for validation outside of themselves. So when another woman comes along who makes him feel powerful, sexy, admired, or “seen,” it feels like a temporary fix to a deeper problem.

He tells himself it’s just a one-time thing. He assumes no one will ever find out. He convinces himself it won’t hurt anyone. But of course, it does hurt. Often irreparably. And what’s worse? Once he’s caught, those same self-esteem issues only get worse. Now he’s not just feeling inadequate — he’s also dealing with guilt, fallout, and shame.

Cultural Influence: Why Who He Surrounds Himself With Matters: Another factor that many people overlook? The company he keeps. Husbands who have close friends, coworkers, or even male relatives who cheat are significantly more likely to do it themselves. Why? Because cheating starts to feel normalized. If the people around him constantly say things like, “It doesn’t mean anything,” or “All men do it,” or “It’s just physical — I still love my wife,” then those unhealthy mindsets can start to sound like truth. And that kind of influence can be powerful. It’s not uncommon for a man to say, “I love my wife. I’m happily married.” And in some distorted way, he may even believe that.

But the culture around him has given him permission to separate physical betrayal from emotional love — even though, as women, we know those two are deeply connected. Does the “Why” Even Matter? I once had a woman tell me, “Why should I even care why he did it? He betrayed me. That’s all I need to know.” And I understand that. I really do. But here’s the thing: understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse the betrayal — it gives you power. It gives you clarity. And it helps you see that this wasn’t because you weren’t enough. You didn’t cause this. When you understand what you’re really dealing with, it becomes easier to make decisions about how to move forward. Whether that means working toward healing the marriage or healing yourself independently, you deserve the truth.

You Didn’t Cause This — And You Can Get Through It:  I say this not just as someone who has studied these patterns — but as someone who has lived through them. When my own marriage was rocked by betrayal, I didn’t think I’d survive. But I did. Not because my husband magically fixed everything — but because I put in the work to rebuild myself. I got stronger. I got clearer. And eventually, my marriage became stronger, too. That’s not everyone’s path — and that’s okay. But if nothing else, I want you to know this: you are not to blame. His cheating says more about him than it ever could about you.

If you’d like to read more about how I healed and rebuilt my self-esteem (and ultimately my marriage), I share more on my blog: http://surviving-the-affair.com