Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to answer one of the hardest questions of their lives: Should I forgive my husband for having an affair?

Many tell me things like:

“I don’t know if I can or should forgive him. While I was home taking care of our kids, he was lying and betraying me. He looked me right in the eye and acted like everything was fine. If anyone else did this to me, I’d cut them out of my life forever. But he’s my husband—the father of my children. That makes everything more complicated.”

If you can relate, please know that I understand. I had those same thoughts when I went through my own husband’s affair. I used to think cheating was the one thing I could never, ever forgive. But when it actually happened, nothing felt as black and white as I’d expected.

Forgiveness isn’t a simple decision. It’s emotional, painful, and deeply personal. Below, I’ll share what I’ve learned—both from my own experience and from the many wives I’ve talked to who are walking the same difficult path.

Don’t Rush a Decision You’re Not Ready to Make: After an affair, many husbands are desperate for quick forgiveness. They apologize endlessly, swear it meant nothing, and promise to do better. They want to fix things – now.

But for most wives, it’s not that easy. You can’t flip a switch and stop feeling hurt, angry, and betrayed just because your husband wants you to. Forgiveness takes time, and it has to be earned.

I usually tell wives that it’s okay to say, “I’m open to forgiving you someday, but I’m not there yet.”

Watch his actions – not just his words. Anyone can say they’re sorry. What matters is what he does over the next few months:

• Does he take full responsibility without making excuses?

• Is he transparent about where he is and what he’s doing?

• Is he willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your trust?

The husbands who rise to that challenge are much easier to eventually forgive than those who blame, minimize, or act impatiently.

You have every right to say, “I need to see consistency and honesty before I can even think about forgiving you.” That’s not being difficult – it’s protecting yourself.

Let Go of the “Shoulds” That Come After an Affair:

So many wives torture themselves with shoulds:

“I should have been a better wife.”
“I should forgive him for the kids.”
“I should just get over it and move on.”

But these “shoulds” only make things worse. They don’t help you heal; they just make you feel guilty for not being “better” at surviving infidelity.

Here’s the truth: there’s no timeline for forgiveness. There’s no right or wrong pace. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. That doesn’t mean you’re bitter or broken. It means you’re human.

Forgiveness given before you’re ready often doesn’t stick. You can’t force it. If you still have doubts or unhealed pain, listen to that inner voice. It’s telling you that you still need something—more honesty, more remorse, more safety—to be able to fully let go.

Tell your husband what those things are. It’s not demanding to say, “I need you to show me you’re trustworthy again.” It’s honest and necessary.

You can also move forward without forgiving right away. Sometimes you start by working on communication, rebuilding routines, or focusing on co-parenting. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing—it can be something you grow into.

Why Some Wives Eventually Choose to Forgive: When forgiveness does come, it’s usually not about letting your husband off the hook. It’s about freeing yourself.

Holding on to pain, anger, and resentment is exhausting. You reach a point where you realize that the only person those feelings are hurting is you.

Many wives tell me that over time – after watching their husband prove his remorse and commitment, they felt ready to release the burden of anger. They made a conscious, gradual choice to forgive because they wanted peace, not because they were pressured to.

That’s what forgiveness really is: not a single moment, but a slow decision to stop letting the affair define you.

A Final Word: Forgiving an affair is one of the hardest things you’ll ever face. I know, because I’ve lived it. It took time, hard conversations, and plenty of tears—but eventually, I did forgive my husband. Today, our marriage is stronger than it ever was before.

That doesn’t mean the pain disappeared overnight. But it does mean that healing is possible. Forgiveness—when it’s given freely, honestly, and at your own pace – can open the door to something better than what you had before.

You don’t have to decide today. You just have to keep moving forward.

You can read more about my personal story and how I rebuilt my marriage after infidelity at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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