Are There Any After The Affair Success Stories For Marriage?
I sometimes hear from married people (usually wives) who want to know if there is anyone out there who had a successful marriage after an affair. By that, they mean a marriage that has returned or surpassed its former health and not a marriage that is just sort of stumbling along, with both people resentful and walking on eggshells. They don’t mean a marriage where they continue to distrust their spouse. They mean a successful marriage where both people are content and have really and truly moved on.
Someone might explain, “I’m really depressed. I’ve felt very discouraged after my husband’s affair. My marriage feels like I am walking around in someone else’s life. I used to respect and want to be around my husband. Now, it’s so awkward between us that I sometimes take my time getting home. Last night, I tried to research how many people have affair success. But when I typed in those terms, there were a bunch of articles about the statistics of people who end up married when their relationship starts out as an affair. That is something that I definitely do not want to think about. I don’t care how many cheaters have success. I care about how many married couples have success. Where are the affair success stories for marriages?”
There are a good deal of marriages that actually make it after an affair. In fact, the majority of couples who deal with an affair do not end up divorced, if you believe published statistics. The number of couples who end up married because of an affair relationship are extremely small. Again, according to statistics, most affairs last a matter of weeks and not months. The affairs that last for years are rare. There is a much better chance that the couple will remain married than that the affair will last or become a long term relationship.
That said, there is a difference between remaining married and remaining happily married. And I would say that there are far too many couples who are just getting by. But there are also plenty of couples with thriving, fulfilling, and intimate marriages. You are probably not seeing as much about them on the internet because frankly, this is a pretty personal matter. Not many people feel comfortable discussing the intimate and personal issues of their marriage when it comes to affair recovery. They discuss this with their counselor and their counselor in turn doesn’t discuss their case with others. So, while it’s true that you aren’t likely to see large amounts of affair success stories (for marriages) all over the internet, I promise you that they are there. I have seen percentages as high as 80 percent. It’s likely that some of these people are happy and others are not.
What makes the difference? I’m not a counselor, so I can only speak for myself. I consider my marriage happy again. But it wasn’t always this way. What helped us over the hump? Stubbornness, for one. We are both determined people who don’t easily give up. Because of our kids and our respect and love for one another, neither one of us wanted to call it a day, despite my anger. There were times when I didn’t know if it would be possible to make it work. But I did always want to save my marriage for my kids and for myself. We got help because neither of us are marriage experts. We were brutally honest and we spoke up when things just weren’t working or when there was something that needed to be said. We both made a commitment to give our marriage a certain amount of time before we made a decision to divorce. I believe that this was very important because it meant that no one was going to flee when the going got tough. We knew that we could have the hard conversations without worrying that someone was going to leave. Above all, we were committed and serious. We didn’t say things that we didn’t mean. I doubted my husband initially when he promised that I could trust him again, but honestly he has never gone back on his word. And I am straightforward with him.
We are at the time in our marriage where we are dealing with big family issues – aging family members who need special care and older children with potentially bigger problems that must be weighed. When I am going through all of this, I am honestly so grateful that I stuck with it out with my husband. I would not want to go through this with anyone but him. He is such a calming, strong presence throughout all of this and we handle it together. We take our stolen moments when we can get them and there are so precious to me now. We still check in. We know that the affair left our marriage vulnerable so we are careful to give it special care. We don’t take it for granted. We care for our family, but we also make time for us. At the same time, we don’t dwell on the affair. It is just something that was – like other rough patches in our marriage when we had job losses, illnesses, etc. No one goes through their marriage without bumps in the road. An affair can be a bump that you experience and then drive on. Or it can be a bump that causes you to stop the car, veer off the road, or abandon the car altogether. But if you want to be an affair success story, you can. But you need the commitment, the patience, the determination, and the help. It is possible, but it does take time. There’s more to my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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