Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are tormented by this question. It’s one thing to know that your husband had a physical relationship with another woman. But many wives will tell me that what really keeps them up at night is the possibility that he was emotionally involved.

I often hear comments like: “It’s bad enough that he cheated on me, but I don’t know if I could survive it if he truly loved her.” Or, “My husband insists he loves his mistress. I can’t believe it’s possible. He hasn’t even known her that long, and she’s not even his type. Why would a smart man act this foolish?”

These are heartbreaking questions. And the truth is, men sometimes believe they love their mistresses. But in my experience, these feelings are rarely what they appear to be. Let me explain why.

Men Sometimes Convince Themselves They’re In Love To Justify Their Choices: Let’s be honest. Cheating is not an honorable act. It’s deceitful. It’s selfish. And it often signals a man who is avoiding real problems rather than facing them. So how does he make sense of his behavior?

By convincing himself that this is more than just infidelity. He tells himself, “I didn’t choose this. She’s my soulmate. How could I possibly walk away from that?”

Do you see what’s happening here? He’s magnifying his feelings to excuse what he’s done. Because if it’s just “lust” or “liking someone,” that doesn’t justify destroying a marriage. But if he can call it “love,” then suddenly he feels less guilty.

What He Really Loves Is How She Makes Him Feel: Many wives are devastated when their husband insists the mistress “understands him” or “appreciates him.” But here’s what’s really going on: the mistress is seeing only a small, curated version of him.

She’s not dealing with his bad habits, his bad moods, or the grind of real life. She gets to flatter him, make him feel attractive, and feed his ego. And he laps it up.

It’s not so much that he loves her. What he loves is how he feels in her presence—more exciting, more valued, more alive. But this is built on a fantasy. Eventually, her attention will shift. Eventually, she’ll see his flaws just like you do. When that day comes, those “special feelings” will usually fade.

Affairs Rarely Equal Soulmates: When men tell their wives that the mistress is their soulmate, I always want to ask: how can a relationship that started with lies and betrayal possibly be built on true connection?

Healthy love requires honesty, trust, and showing up for one another through good and bad. Affairs are built on secrecy and illusion. Yes, they may feel intoxicating at first. But the same unresolved issues that led him into the affair will eventually creep into that relationship, too.

That’s why, although some affairs do turn into long-term relationships, it’s rare. More often, once the initial shine wears off, the cracks appear. And then the husband begins to see that what he thought was love was really just a fragile escape.

Where Does This Leave You?: If your husband has told you that he loves his mistress, I know how much that hurts. But please believe me when I say: those words are not always rooted in reality. They are often a reflection of his own issues, his own need to feel better about himself, and his attempt to rationalize very poor choices.

I know this because I’ve lived it. At one point, my husband swore he was “in love” with someone else. Today, I can say with confidence that it wasn’t real love. Our marriage survived. In fact, it’s stronger now than it ever was. But getting here took work—on myself as much as on the relationship.

You may not believe it right now, but healing is possible. The feelings he claims to have for her are likely temporary, fueled by fantasy. What lasts is the work you choose to do moving forward.

If you’d like to read more about how I handled my own situation, you can visit my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.