Why Do Cheaters Think It Is No Big Deal?
I sometimes hear from people who are extremely frustrated. Not only are they dealing with their spouse or significant other cheating on them. But they are also dealing with the cheating person acting as if their behavior is no big deal. The cheater may be trying to downplay the behavior and will sometimes even act as though the faithful person is overreacting. They might explain, “I caught my husband cheating on me. We have been married for five years. I thought that we had a good marriage. I thought that, although we certainly aren’t the perfect couple, we are a good match who had a decent future ahead of us. Apparently I was wrong, when but when I explain this to my husband, his response is to say things like, ‘well no one died. Yes, I made a mistake and I’m going to fix it. But nothing has been done that can’t be done undone. You act as if one of us has a terminal illness or something.’ His cavalier attitude about this infuriates me. I had a college boyfriend who cheated on me and he acted the same way. It’s almost as if our society suddenly condones cheating and everyone accepts it. But I don’t. I believe that if you make a vow to someone, you are expected to carry that out. I believe that when you betray the one who you made the vows to, there should be a price to pay. Am I missing something? Why do cheaters act like it’s no big deal?”
Believe me, I wish I knew that answer also. But I do have some theories on this. I do have to admit that my own husband only tried to downplay his cheating initially. Once he figured out that this just was not going to fly, he began to take it seriously. That’s why I believe that many cheaters will at first try to downplay the cheating. They figure why not give it a try? If they can get you to accept less or to not get as upset, then that is going to make their life a lot easier. It is just natural to want to minimize the fall out of your mistakes. No one wants to willingly feel shame, pain, or guilt. So of course you’re going to attempt to minimize all of that.
Another reason that cheaters will downplay the cheating to their loved ones is that this is just an extension of all of the justifying that they’ve been doing in their own minds. So their new thought process has sort of become a habit. They’ve often become experts at telling themselves that what they’re doing isn’t that big of a deal. If they actually sat down and deeply thought about what they were doing and who they might hurt, then they might think twice about carrying out the cheating. So the downplaying or minimizing it is a coping mechanism. They try it in the hopes that it will turn down the guilt.
One final issue is that some people do grow up in or live (or work) in a culture where cheating ISN’T seen as a big deal. Some people literally grew up seeing their parents, uncles, and siblings cheat. Others work in an office where infidelity is extremely common. This doesn’t by any means make it right, but this can be a contributing factor.
So how can you address it? You can let him know that although he may claim that it’s not a big deal to him, that it is in fact a very big deal to you. The most important thing here is to let him know that he can choose to see it as not a big deal, but that is not going to make a bit of difference where you are concerned. If he wants you and the marriage, he’s going to need to TREAT IT like a very big deal, since it is to you.
You might try something like this, “you may say that no one died and that is true, but I feel like my perception of our marriage and the respect and trust that we shared has died. The marriage I thought that we had is not reality. You betrayed me in the worst way possible. That is a very big deal to me. I am unsure if I can trust you. I am unsure as to whether our marriage will or should survive. So yes, no one died, but the life I thought we had is now in question and that certainly feels like a big loss to me. You say that nothing that has been done can’t be undone. But I’m not so sure about that. In order for me to trust again, I need to know that you understand the seriousness of what has happened here. When you downplay the cheating, it seems that you aren’t taking it seriously at all. If you’re only posturing and hoping that I will accept your assessment that this isn’t a huge blow, that isn’t going to happen. No matter how you spin it, you betrayed me and put our marriage at risk. That is a big deal to me because I took our vows and our marriage seriously.”
Once you’ve said this, he may realize that his posturing won’t work. You may sometimes need to repeat yourself because when he gets a taste of rehabilitation, he probably won’t like it and he will protest by downplaying the affair again, but it’s very important that you stand your ground. Another thing to try is to get a good counselor or self help who can drive home what a big deal this can be to a marriage. That way, the concern is not just coming from you, it’s also coming from third party experts who have no dog whatsoever in this fight. That keeps you from seeming like the bad guy who is always overreacting.
It helps to know that you are not in the wrong here. Cheating IS a big deal. It is a big blow to your marriage. It is important that your spouse understands this. You can read more about how I made my own spouse understand it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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