Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to figure out whether their husband’s remorse is real. They’ll say things like: “My husband keeps telling me how sorry he is for cheating, and he seems genuine, but I don’t know if I can trust his words. After all, he lied when he was having the affair. What if he’s lying now?”

Or, “Do men really regret cheating? Do they understand what a huge mistake they’ve made? And if they truly are sorry, does that mean they’re less likely to do it again?”

These are very valid questions. And while every man and every marriage is different, there are some common patterns I’ve seen over the years that can help you get a sense of whether his sorrow is heartfelt.

Why Some Men Don’t Show Remorse Right Away: Not all men come right out and fall to pieces after an affair is revealed. Some actually go into a kind of defensive mode at first. They’ll justify what they did by blaming the marriage, their stress, or even their wives. These are the men who will say things like: “You never had time for me,” or “You didn’t understand me.”

That doesn’t always mean they don’t feel regret somewhere deep down. Sometimes, it just means they’re trying to save face or minimize the fallout. They may test whether this tactic will soften the consequences. Only later, once they see their wife isn’t taking responsibility for their choices, do they start showing genuine sorrow.

What Genuine Regret Usually Looks Like: On the other hand, some husbands don’t waste time with posturing. They own their mistake from the beginning and make it very clear they know they’ve messed up. These are often men who have been trustworthy for years and who made a one-time mistake they never thought they’d make.

Their regret tends to show up not just in their words but in their actions. They’ll want to go to counseling. They’ll say they’ll do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust. They’ll admit fully that this was their fault and that nothing you did caused them to cheat. They also tend to understand that rebuilding trust isn’t about repeating apologies—it’s about consistent effort over time.

Why Sometimes You Can’t See His Regret: I know some wives get discouraged because they don’t see the kind of remorse they were expecting. They assume this must mean their husband doesn’t care or isn’t sorry enough. But I’ve spoken with many husbands who were stunned to hear their wives felt that way. They insisted they were more sorry than they could ever put into words. They just weren’t showing it in the way their wives recognized.

That’s why it’s usually better not to assume. If you feel like his sorrow isn’t coming across, it may help to tell him what you need to see or hear from him in order to believe he regrets what happened. Sometimes, this clears up a lot of confusion.

Seeing the Bigger Picture: At the end of the day, whether a man regrets cheating often depends on his character, his past behavior, and what kind of husband he was before the affair. In my experience, men who were reliable and faithful until the slip are much more likely to be deeply sorry and determined never to repeat it.

I know it’s incredibly difficult to evaluate your husband’s remorse when you’re reeling from betrayal. I never thought I’d be able to trust my husband again, either. But with time, communication, and work on both sides, not only did I come to believe his regret was real, but our marriage eventually became stronger than it was before.

If you’d like to read more about my own story and how I managed to heal after my husband’s affair fully, you can find it here: http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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