Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I get this question more often than you’d think. Many wives wonder if they should talk to (or even meet with) their husband’s mistress. They want to know what to say, how to say it, and whether it will make a difference.

Recently, I heard from a wife who said, “My husband won’t give up the other woman. I don’t think she’s backing off either. She’s been texting me, asking if we can meet face to face. Part of me wants to, but honestly, I don’t know what I’d even say. I’m so angry and hurt that I’m afraid I’ll lose control and say something I regret. I don’t want her to see how much she’s gotten under my skin, but I want her to back off. What do I even say to accomplish that?”

This is such a common scenario. Many wives imagine finally sitting across from the mistress and saying something so powerful that she just slinks away and never bothers you again. That’s the fantasy. The reality? Usually very different.

Why These Meetings Rarely Go As Planned: Here’s what I’ve seen (and heard from countless women): most meetings with the mistress don’t go well. Wives often go in with an agenda—maybe to make her see that the marriage is solid, or to scare her off, or to make her understand the pain she’s caused. But the mistress usually has her own agenda too. And those two agendas rarely line up.

She may not fight fair. She may use anything you say to justify her behavior. She may even walk away more determined to “win.” I know that’s hard to hear, but it’s reality.

And let’s be honest—this is someone who already hasn’t respected your marriage. So why would she suddenly care about your feelings or your family now?

What She’s Really After: It’s worth thinking about why she even wants to meet. If she were truly ready to walk away from your husband, she probably wouldn’t need this face-to-face. She’d just leave. So the fact that she’s pushing for contact tells you she’s still invested.

That’s important, because it means you have to ask yourself: What’s in this for me? What’s the payoff? If your real goal is closure or control, I have to be honest—that almost never comes from meeting with her. More often, it leaves you feeling worse.

Why I Think It’s Best Not To Engage: In my opinion (and in my own experience), it’s better not to give the mistress an “in.” If you’re trying to save your marriage, this woman doesn’t belong in it. Giving her space, attention, or interaction only gives her more power over you.

If someone is going to tell her to walk away, it should be your husband. He’s the one she’s involved with. He’s the one she needs to hear it from. If the words come from you, she’ll just run back to him, twist the story, and use it as an excuse to reach out again. You don’t want to give her that kind of ammunition.

But If You Do Feel You Have To Say Something: I get it. Some wives feel they have to say something. And if that’s you, then keep it short, calm, and final. Don’t rant. Don’t show your pain. Don’t open the door for a debate.

This is one situation where a letter or email might even be better—because she can’t interrupt or argue. But be very careful what you put in writing.

If you do speak, I’d recommend something simple like:

“I’m fully aware of your involvement with my husband. I don’t want you anywhere near me or my family from this point forward.”

That’s it. Short. Direct. Strong. No tears. No long explanation. And absolutely no discussion of your marriage or how you and your husband are working through it. That’s none of her business.

Focus On What Really Matters: I know it’s tempting to put all of your energy into the mistress. But at the end of the day, she’s not the one who vowed to be faithful to you. Your marriage is between you and your husband. That’s where your focus belongs.

I learned this the hard way. When my own husband cheated, I obsessed about the other woman. I thought if I could just make her go away, everything would be fine. But eventually, I realized the real work had to happen between my husband and me. Once I stopped giving her power and started working on us, that’s when things began to turn around.

And believe it or not, my marriage did survive. Today, it’s stronger than I ever thought possible. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

If you’d like to read more about how I eventually got through my husband’s affair and rebuilt my marriage, I share my personal story here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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