Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are working so hard to save their marriages after an affair. And one of the biggest struggles they share with me is the other woman. Even if the affair is supposedly over, many wives can’t shake the fear that their husband still thinks about her — maybe even misses her.

I’ll get questions like: “Does my husband still think about the other woman even though he swears it’s over? Sometimes I catch him daydreaming and I just know he’s thinking about her. When I ask, he denies it. But I can’t help but wonder if he’s just protecting me from the truth. How can I compete with someone who isn’t even here anymore?”

These are tough, painful questions. And the truth is, the answers aren’t simple because every man, every affair, and every marriage is different. Still, after talking to so many couples, I’ve noticed some common patterns.

Some Men See The Affair Clearly Once It’s Over: Believe it or not, some men really do see the situation for what it was once the dust settles. I’ve had men tell me things like: “I don’t know what I was thinking. It was the stupidest mistake of my life. When I look back, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. My wife doesn’t believe me when I say I don’t think about her, but I honestly don’t — except to cringe at how much I risked for nothing.”

If this is what your husband is saying, sometimes you need to watch his actions more than his words. Is he putting in the work to rebuild? Is he being transparent, remorseful, and consistent? If so, then it’s possible that when his mind drifts, it’s not to her in a longing way –  but maybe in a regretful one.

At some point, you’ll have to decide whether you’re going to believe his words and actions until he gives you a solid reason not to. Otherwise, you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to read his mind.

Sometimes, Men Do Still Think About Her (At Least For A While): The above said, I want to be honest: when an affair has ended recently, many men do admit to still having residual thoughts or feelings. Sometimes they feel like the relationship ended abruptly, without closure. Other times, when their marriage feels strained and they’re facing anger and fallout (which is understandable), they look back at the time before discovery and mix those “easier” feelings up with the other woman.

Some even admit, “I chose my marriage. I want my family. But I’d be lying if I said I never thought about her. I don’t want to have these feelings, but sometimes they come. What matters is, I’m not acting on them.”

The good news is that, in most cases, these feelings fade with time  – especially if the couple is actively working on the marriage. It’s usually at the beginning, when emotions are raw, that they’re strongest.

What You Can Do If You Suspect He Still Thinks About Her: Here’s the hard part: you can’t control your husband’s thoughts. Neither can he, at least not completely. What he can control is what he does with those thoughts. Most men don’t want to keep thinking about her – but intrusive thoughts happen.

As tempting as it is to keep asking, pressing, or demanding reassurance, in my experience, that often backfires. Bringing her up constantly keeps her in the center of your marriage. If your goal is to save and rebuild, then your focus should be on you two – not her.

Sometimes, the best approach is to trust the process. In the beginning, it’s messy. But as you slowly rebuild intimacy, connection, and trust, his focus naturally shifts back where it belongs.

The Bottom Line: Do some men still think about the other woman after the affair? Yes, sometimes. Do all men? No. Do those thoughts have to last forever? Absolutely not.

The key is to focus on what you can control: working on yourself, your healing, and the marriage. The stronger your relationship becomes, the less room there is for her to occupy any space in it.

I know how painful and unfair this feels. I’ve been there myself, and for a while, I obsessed over whether my husband still thought of her. But over time – and with a lot of effort – I was able to stop giving her more power than she deserved. Today, my marriage is stronger than it was before the affair. I feel more confident, happier, and more connected than ever.

If you’d like to read my very personal story about how I saved my marriage after my husband’s affair, you can find it here: http://surviving-the-affair.com.