Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who had decided to take back her cheating husband. This was his first affair, and he seemed remorseful. He was saying and doing all of the right things – apologizing, taking responsibility, and trying to repair the damage. She wanted to be hopeful, but her mother wasn’t having it.

Her mother told her she was making a huge mistake. She insisted that cheating is a character flaw—a deep part of who a person is—and that this meant her husband would cheat again. To make matters worse, the mother revealed that her own husband (the reader’s father) was a serial cheater. She believed she was sparing her daughter the same heartache.

The wife asked me: “Is my mom right? Does cheating mean my husband has some sort of character defect? Does this mean he’s doomed to repeat it?”

Here’s my take.

Is Cheating A Character Flaw?: This is such a tricky question. There have been studies about whether people are “wired” to cheat, but honestly, the results are mixed at best. I don’t buy the idea that there’s a cheating gene or a permanent defect that guarantees infidelity.

What I do see often is that cheating can run in families – not because of DNA, but because of what becomes normalized. If you grow up seeing cheating swept under the rug, or if your friends all cheat, then you may be more likely to think it’s “just what people do.”

In my experience, the big difference lies between serial cheaters and one-time offenders. With repeat cheaters, I notice a pattern of poor impulse control. They don’t always stop to think before they act. Many admit that they knew it was wrong but only processed that after the affair happened. It’s very much an “act first, think later” mentality.

Is that a flaw? Maybe. But it’s also something that people can work on. People can learn to slow down, manage impulses, and put up safeguards. It takes effort, but it’s possible.

Does Cheating Mean Someone Can’t Change?: I can’t tell you how often I hear, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Or, “A leopard doesn’t change its spots.” Many people believe these sayings because of their own painful experiences. That’s what happened with this reader’s mother—she was projecting her history onto her daughter’s situation.

But her son-in-law wasn’t her husband. He wasn’t a serial cheater. He had cheated once and was already demonstrating remorse and a willingness to change. In my opinion, it’s unfair to automatically assume that means he has a permanent defect in his character.

Here’s what I believe: cheating is always a choice. And people can learn to make different choices. They can put practices in place to stop themselves from ever being in a compromising situation again. They can learn to pause and think before acting. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or automatic, but it does mean it’s possible.

Why Assuming A Character Flaw Can Hurt More Than Help: If you’re trying to heal after an affair, automatically labeling your spouse as fatally flawed can make recovery harder. It can keep you stuck and prevent you from seeing progress or change.

I’m not saying every marriage will recover after cheating. Some don’t. But I’ve also seen marriages—mine included—come back stronger. I would never have believed that two years ago, but today, my marriage is healthier and more intimate than it was before the affair. I’ve also grown as a person, and my self-esteem is at an all-time high.

So no, I don’t believe every cheater has a permanent character flaw that guarantees repeat behavior. I think some people make a devastating choice, regret it deeply, and then do the work to make sure it never happens again.

If you’d like to read more about my own experience and how I saved my marriage after my husband’s affair, you can find my personal story here: http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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