Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of wives who are struggling to make sense of their husband’s words after an affair. They want so badly to believe him when he says he’s sorry. When he says he still loves them. When he promises he’ll do “whatever it takes” to save the marriage.

But then they pause and ask, “How do I even know he means it?”

Because let’s be honest—this is the same man who looked you in the eye and lied while he was having the affair. So now that the truth is out, how are you supposed to just flip the switch and trust again?

It’s a question I get constantly.

Some wives will say things like, “He says he’s sorry. He says he’ll change. But how can I believe him when he was lying so easily before?” Or, “What if he’s only pretending to care to keep the family together or avoid a messy divorce?”

And honestly, those are valid fears. They’re not dramatic. They’re not paranoid. They’re rooted in pain—and in reality.

Because yes, people can and do say anything when the fallout from an affair is staring them in the face. Especially when they’re desperate not to lose everything.

But here’s what I usually tell wives who are in this situation: if you want a clearer picture of his sincerity, try to focus more on his actions than on his words.

Because words are easy. Actions require effort, consistency, and follow-through.

Real Change Isn’t Just a Speech. It’s a Pattern: When a man is truly serious about saving the marriage, that commitment shows up in how he shows up.

Yes, many husbands will make big promises in the early days after the affair comes to light. That initial panic can light a fire. But for some men, that fire burns out quickly when they realize this process won’t be fast or easy.

That’s where the separation starts to become clearer.

Because the men who are really sincere? They stay in it, even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when the trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Even when you’re angry or distant or unable to smile at him without it feeling forced.

They don’t just apologize once and hope it’ll blow over. They keep showing up, because they know it’s going to take more than words to earn back what they broke.

That doesn’t mean they’ll do it perfectly. Some days, they’ll mess it up. They’ll get defensive. They’ll misread your cues. They’ll get frustrated.

But sincere men circle back. They regroup. They stay in the work.

They understand—whether you’ve said it or not—that you’re looking for more than a one-time “I’m sorry.”

You’re looking for consistency. Reassurance. Effort. Transparency. Accountability.

You’re looking for a pattern, not a performance.

Even Sincere Husbands Sometimes Struggle to Show It: Now, here’s the tricky part: some wives feel frustrated because their husband says he wants to save the marriage—but his behavior seems cold or distant.

He’s not exactly pouring on the affection or offering daily reassurances. In fact, he may seem withdrawn or hesitant.

And that feels like insincerity. I totally understand why.

But sometimes, when I speak to the husbands, I hear a different story.

They’ll tell me, “I am sorry. I do want to fix this. But I don’t know what to say anymore. Every time I try to talk to her, she’s angry. I’m afraid if I touch her or comfort her, she’ll think I’m being manipulative. I feel like a monster.”

In other words: some husbands shut down not because they don’t care, but because they’re afraid of doing more damage.

Now, to be clear, this doesn’t excuse him from the work. But it can explain why he’s not coming across the way you need him to.

That’s why communication is critical.

Because if you need him to do specific things to help you believe in his sincerity—if you want him to go to counseling, check in regularly, show you affection, answer your questions honestly, or take real responsibility—it’s OK to tell him.

Actually, I’d argue that it’s necessary.

Telling Him What You Need Doesn’t Let Him Off the Hook—It Sets the Stage for Healing: I completely understand why many wives resist the idea of having to ask for what they need after an affair.

They’ll say, “Why should I have to guide him through this? He’s the one who cheated!”

And they’re right—he should be doing the heavy lifting.

But here’s the thing. Sometimes husbands simply don’t know how to show what you need to see. They think they’re helping, and it’s falling completely flat.

That’s why telling him clearly—“Here’s what I need to even begin believing you”—isn’t weakness. It’s clarity.

And once you’ve told him, he can’t claim he didn’t know. He’s been given the opportunity to step up—or not.

It’s Not About Perfection. It’s About Effort Over Time: So, how do you tell if he’s sincere?: You look at what he does after the dust settles. After the initial panic fades. When the conversations get hard and raw and awkward.

You see if he’s still standing beside you. If he’s still choosing this marriage.

And maybe most of all—you watch for the ways he tries, stumbles, and tries again.

Because a man who’s just trying to avoid divorce will give up when things get uncomfortable.

But a man who’s truly sincere? He won’t run just because it’s hard.

I had to ask my husband for what I needed more than once. And it didn’t always come easily. But slowly, I began to see him trying—not just for show, but because he really wanted to make things right.

And two years later, I can tell you this: our marriage is stronger than it’s ever been.

I didn’t think that was even possible at one point.

But I worked on myself. He worked on himself. And together, we worked on us.

It wasn’t easy. But it was worth it.

You can read the full story of how we made it through at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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