Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from faithful wives who have sat down to write letters to their unfaithful husbands. Some of them can’t even bring themselves to form the words. Others find that they have no problem of filling page after page with the onslaught of feelings that are pouring out of them. 

Still, no matter what experience the faithful wife might have, she is sometimes unsure if she should even bother to write, much less to give, the letter to her husband. She can wonder if it will make one bit of difference. Perhaps it will make things worse?

A wife might say, “Ever since I found out that my husband has been cheating on me, I’ve been writing in a journal. It’s the only thing that has kept me from going crazy. It is the only way I can release what I am really feeling without burdening those close to me. It is the only way I can express the depth of my pain without sounding too severe. For the past couple of days, I’ve taken passages out of my journal and used them to write letters to my husband. I am debating giving him one of them. As it stands, we aren’t communicating. I can’t look at him without feeling hatred, and he says he’ll be walking on eggshells for the rest of his life around me. He looks at me like I’m unhinged lately. And maybe I am. I’m wondering if giving him one of these letters will make things worse or help me express myself to him for once. Is it worth it to try?”

I definitely think that a carefully-worded letter has its place. And I most certainly support journal writing. I’ll tell you my take on letters below. But before I do, I want to say that I know you’re hurting, and you’re doing what you think will make you feel better. Please keep doing that. If there was ever a time for extreme self-care, it’s now. Always give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

Try to Avoid Repeating What You’ve Already Said In Person: 

You’ve already seen how journal writing is helping you to define and release your feelings. Keep doing that. But don’t use the letter to your husband in the same way. 

If you do, the written word won’t be much different than the spoken word. You’ll basically be yelling at him in writing instead of in person. And what good does that do?

Now, if you are having trouble getting out what you want to say in person or you can’t effectively express your words, then by all means use the written word if it helps you to articulate what you can’t say in person.

But avoid repeating the same points you’ve been making in person on paper. Otherwise, you run the risk of churning the same problems, but not really addressing them.

A Letter Can Be Useful if You Keep Your End-Game in Mind: 

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t want to use the letter to simply unleash on your husband and tell him what an unredeemable human being he is if you have even a little bit of an inkling that you might want to repair your marriage one day.

You have every right to be angry, and you don’t have to pretend that you aren’t. (Who would believe you anyway?) But you don’t want to repeatedly say things that you can’t take back if you are still even a little bit invested in your marriage – or might be in the future. 

Remember, that you are putting this in writing. It can’t be debated. There will always be a record of what you’ve said. He can always go back and reference it.

I’m in no way saying that he doesn’t deserve your wrath. But I’m saying that you want to think about your objective before you write anything.

Remember that you’re going to get a reaction. And that reaction is going to either move you forward or delay you. I’m not telling you to put a positive spin on something that is negative. But I am suggesting that think about where you want to be in a month or two from now when you sit down to write this letter. 

Follow Up With Action:  

Assuming that you are writing this letter because you want to move forward with at least some positivity, don’t stop with putting your words to paper.

Yes, this can be a great way to open the door. But without following up your words with action, you run the risk of your words being empty. If you decide to give him the letter, ask yourself some of the things that you might do to follow it up to make this situation better. 

Make a list. And choose an item from that list every day or two and work on each item. That way, your letter has teeth and accomplishes what you want it to do. 

Don’t misunderstand me. I think letters, when well thought out, are great. They can say the things that you will struggle to say in person. But make sure that what you say is actually constructive and will make your situation feel better in the long term.

Yes, it feels great to release your anger and to just let it rip. But that’s what your journal is for. Use your journal as a way to release and express your feelings. Use your letter as a stepping point to action. 

I did write a letter or two after my husband’s affair, especially in the beginning when I was struggling to express myself calmly. We’d often interrupt one another, and a letter allowed me to avoid that problem. But thankfully, I knew I’d need much more than words on paper to heal my marriage. Over time, I found those healing things and pursued them. You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

Never give up until you have what you know you need. You deserve nothing less. 

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