Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are reeling from infidelity begin to believe that this is a nightmare from which you can never awaken. Once you accept the fact that your spouse has lied to and cheated on you, how can you ever come back from that? Once you have seen such a reality, there is absolutely no way to un-see it. So understandably, many wives begin to believe that recovery is going to be next to impossible, especially since they can only control their own actions, and not their husband’s.

A wife might say, “many of my friends and family describe me as an eternal optimist. I like to look on the bright side of things. It takes quite a lot to rattle me, but my husband’s affair has brought me to my knees. I have never been one to have any trouble getting out of the bed in the morning, but lately, I have been struggling. The rug has been pulled out from underneath me. The marriage I thought was mine has been a lie all along. I could not be more shocked or devastated. My husband tries to give me reassurances and explanations, but I don’t believe any of them. I wonder how I can ever trust him again. And yet, at the same time, I have two friends who have gone through infidelity. And both tell me that it is possible to recover. I so want to believe them. In fact, I can’t think of any obstacle in my life that I have been unable to overcome. Is it naive of me to think that I can overcome this, too? Is it possible to truly and completely recover from infidelity?”

The Ability To Recover: I personally believe that it is, especially if you carefully define “recover.” However, if you are hoping that one day you will completely erase the affair from your mind and never think of it again, then this is probably not realistic. With effort, it is going to be an event that will fade but will also be a part of your past and your experience on this earth just like any other hardship.

However, with healing, it can become a hardship that you no longer dwell upon. Let me put it this way. I consider myself completely recovered from a car accident that I had in the past. Specifically, I no longer suffer from headaches, dizziness, or the anxiety that gripped me for many months after the incident. However, on occasion, when I’m in a similar situation to the circumstances surrounding my accident, I will tense up for a second and then have to remind myself that I am fine and I will continue on to my destination without much fanfare. I can’t pretend that certain situations don’t bring up memories of my accident, but for the most part, I’ve moved up and can now efficiently deal with any issues that come up.

An affair is similar to this. Or at least it was for me. As long as you have given yourself the time, the resources, and the effort to heal, you may find that the affair is no longer consuming your life. You’ve healed. You’ve moved on. You have more important issues to worry about. That’s not to say that you deny its very existence, but like other hardships, it has made you stronger. You no longer need to visit it on a daily or even weekly basis. These things can be true whether or not you have remained in your marriage. Wives who stay with their rehabilitated husbands can recover. Wives who end their marriage can also recover. Recovery can be more about you and your own healing than it is about your marriage or about your husband. That is how it is possible to heal regardless of what your husband does. You eventually develop the confidence that you are going to be fine regardless.

Your friends aren’t lying to you. No one is going to tell you that an affair is fun or desirable, but it is something over which you can regain control and then move on.

When Naivety Sets In: I completely understand worrying about naivety. One can not possibly begin to understand affair recovery until one has attempted it herself. Sometimes, we begin the process with the expectation that we will tackle it in the same successful way that we overcome everything else only to find that this is a dilemma like no other. An affair can hurt worse than anything that you have experienced before. Even so, you can do this if you are willing to put in the time and the work.

I agree that it is naive to believe that this process is easy or quick. It is neither. It is also naive to think that you can just forget the affair or try to pretend that it didn’t happen or that it didn’t matter. In my experience and observation, none of these strategies work. But if you are willing to look hard at what lead you here and then put the safeguards in place to avoid a repeat, then yes, you can put this behind you and move on with a very productive life in which you can be quite content.

Unfortunate and hurtful things happen to human beings every day. Fortunately, resilience and self-preservation mean that most of us will dust ourselves off and not just survive, but eventually thrive. The fact that you sought out and are reading this article tells me that you have the potential to be in the latter category. So no, I don’t think that you are naive at all. In my own experience, yes, it is possible to recover. And having the confidence that this is possible is a huge plus.  You can read about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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