Are Husbands Sorry For Their Infidelities?
I often hear from women who are trying to determine just how sorry their husband is for cheating or committing infidelities. I often hear comments like:
“I caught my husband cheating and he’s falling all over himself to say that he’s so sorry but I don’t know if I believe him or if I can even trust what he is saying;”
Or “my husband sat me down and told me that he wanted me to know how desperately sorry he was for his infidelity. But if that’s true, why has he cheated on me more than once?”
Another example is “if my husband is oh so sorry for cheating on me and having an affair, then why did he do it in the first place. It’s not good enough to say that you’re sorry after the fact. There’s no taking back what he did. Sorry doesn’t even begin to make up for him betraying me.”
I understand these concerns as they were precisely the ones that I had. Hearing he’s sorry after the fact does very little to ease to pain at the time. It’s too little too late frankly. But, aside from this – are men really sorry for infidelity? How do they really feel? I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.
Many Husbands REALLY Are Completely Sorry After Infidelity: I have to say that because I write about this topic, I sometimes have men contact me on my blog and ask me how they can convince their wives how sorry they really are or how they can say the right words or do the right things to get across how deeply remorseful they are.
To be fair, that blog is about surviving an affair and saving your marriage, so it’s probably not all that likely that I’m going to hearing from the indignant guys who don’t feel as though they’ve done anything wrong. These guys most certainly exist, if my email from wives is any indication, but I don’t often hear from them so I wouldn’t even attempt to speak for them or report on how they feel.
But I can tell you about the men I hear from who truly are sorry. I can also tell you that, unfortunately many don’t think very deeply about their actions until it is too late. Although some men feel horribly guilty and just awfully remorseful while the cheating or the affair is happening, many don’t feel the entire brunt of this until after you have found out about it.
They see your reaction and your hurt and the reality of just what they have done comes crashing down. I am not saying this to defend them. They are completely responsible for their own actions and their own choices. However, I do want for you to know that they aren’t always lying or trying to get on your good side when they tell you how very sorry they are.
Here are some comments that I commonly hear from husbands that demonstrate how sorry they truly are. (You may have already heard some variation of these from your husband, but it might help to know that many husbands are repeating the same things to someone who doesn’t know them or their wives.)
They often say things like “how do I convince my wife how sorry I am for my one mistake? If she would just listen to me and give me one more chance I would make this up to her for the rest of my life.”
Another example is: “”my wife must think I’m a heartless monster. She doesn’t believe I’m sorry for a one time infidelity. It will never ever happen again and I don’t know what I was thinking. But I won’t ever get the chance to prove this to her because she now thinks I’m the most awful person in the world.”
Look At His Actions But Also Listen To His Words: Most people believe that the more a person cheats, the less likely he is to truly be sorry because he is repeating his behaviors. I tend to believe this also, but I don’t believe that repeat cheaters can never ever be rehabilitated.
However, I do tend to believe in the genuine sorrow of the one time offenders more. And I have seen many of them return to their marriages (if their wife decides to let them back in) and make a very good, loyal and faithful husband because they have learned their lesson.
If your husband falls within this category, you’ll often hear him repeating the same apologies because he’s trying to convince you that he is sincere. He may or may not explain why he did what he did. He may not understand it himself and usually, he will not want to dwell on the details (which is sometimes a mistake on his part, especially if you need to know.)
Usually, his sorrow is the thing he most wants for you to know or believe so this is what he stresses the most. It’s up to you to decide whether you believe he’s truly sorry or not. But usually, this is a call that you’ll make while observing his behaviors and actions in the days and weeks to come. If he’s truly sorry he will work with you to heal you and the marriage. If he’s truly sorry for his infidelity, he will make you and your marriage the priority.
He’ll focus on being home with you and rebuilding the trust. He’ll stop the suspicious behaviors to show you that he has nothing to hide. Now, sometimes you will have to call him on these things or spell out that you expect them. But once you are both clear on what you want and need, a man who is really sorry will try to provide them to the best of his ability.
I had a hard time believing that my husband was truly sorry for his infidelity, but over time, he proved this to me. I’m glad I hung in there because our marriage is actually stronger. You can read more about how we healed our marriage on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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