Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s just human nature to doubt the claims of someone who has already lied to or cheated on you. So, the spouse who had an affair can claim that he is beyond remorseful, ashamed, embarrassed and even mortified by his behavior. But his wife can’t help wondering why he wasn’t feeling any of these emotions when he was carrying on the affair. So many people wonder how “real” these claims truly are.

You might hear from someone who says something like: “here’s what I want to know. Are cheaters truly embarrassed or ashamed by their behavior? Here’s why I am asking. Over the last two months, two of my very good friends found out that their husband’s were cheating. Coincidentally enough, my husband and I were attending a sporting event that was popular and drew a very large crowd. We actually saw one of these men out with the other woman. Rather than ducking away and trying to hide from us (which is what I would have done) this guy literally puffed out his chest like he was proud to be seen with this much younger woman. He gave my husband a look like my husband should be envious. This guy acted like he was ecstatic that he was out with a woman young enough to be his daughter while his family was at home and heartbroken. And yet, the wife had told me that he was begging her not to leave him all the while telling her how ashamed he was. Well, he sure didn’t look ashamed to me. Meanwhile, one of my best friends is riddled with guilt because her old boyfriend looked her up on facebook and she didn’t tell her husband immediately. Nothing happened. She gave the guy a quick response back telling him how happily married she was. This wasn’t cheating. And yet my friend is very ashamed, as if she did something wrong. I’ve heard people on TV say that cheaters are ashamed but I don’t believe it. It seems to me that people who stop short of cheating are embarrassed or ashamed while the real and blatant cheaters are not.”

I can understand why it would seem this way. And I would probably assume the same in a similar situation. In fact, I often doubted my own husband’s alleged shame because I figured that most of that shame was happening simply because he got caught. But, once I started writing articles about this topic and started getting responses, I have to say that I heard from a lot of people who deeply regretted cheated on their spouses and who felt very deep shame. Granted, I very rarely hear from the indignant cheater who feels little or no remorse, but I know that there are people out there who feel this way. So I can’t say with any accuracy which percentage of people who cheat feel shame.

But I do honestly believe that some do. And my theory on this is that the higher the quality of the person and the stronger their character, the more likely it is going to be that they feel shame. Because let’s face it. A cheating husband who never does the right thing who cheats on his taxes, is stingy with his emotions, and who is cruel to others isn’t going to feel much shame when he cheats because this the norm for him. It is in his character to act in a way that most of us would find distasteful.

But people who are known to be good, decent and caring people in every other area of their life and who make a mistake generally do feel real remorse and true shame. Now, I’m not going to tell you that these good people do not compartmentalize or try to come up with justification for their behavior. If they couldn’t do this, then they might not be able to carry out their cheating. I am also not going to tell you that good people don’t try to posture and pretend that they feel that their had their reasons even if they know in their hearts that they did not.

But usually, when good people see the pain in their spouses eyes and they take the time to look an honest look at what they have done and who they have hurt, then yes, they are ashamed and they are often very embarrassed. This is only my opinion from the things that I’ve seen and from the stories that I hear. But I do believe that there is often regret and remorse, even if it is repressed.  But I also believe that it depends upon the character of the person who you are talking about.

I do believe that my husband felt genuine shame and embarrassment because of his affair.  In fact, I believe that these emotions were so deep that he would be incredibly reluctant to repeat the behavior for that and many other reasons.   I also believe that you can generally tell when your spouse is being sincere, since you know him so well.  If you’re dealing with a good person and your gut is telling you that he’s telling the truth, then it’s a fair assumption that he feels the shame he is claiming. You’re welcome to read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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