Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling with how to classify or view their husband after he cheated or had an affair. Often, they have always thought of their husband as a high quality person with integrity. But now, they are no longer so sure of this assessment.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have always thought of my husband as the nicest guy. I was so proud to be married to him. Every one likes him and thinks very highly of him. He is a wonderful father and he has always been a wonderful husband. I have always thought that I would never have to worry about him mistreating me or doing anything that would put our marriage in jeopardy. But now I am faced with the possibility that I just might have been wrong about this. Because I found out about three weeks ago that he has been cheating with one of his coworkers. To his credit, he did come to me and admit the affair. He said he could not continue to lie to me and he has promised that he has broken it off. He is currently looking for another job because he doesn’t want for me to worry about him working with her. I have been honest with my husband and have told him that I don’t know if I can ever look at him the same way again. His response was that he hopes that I can because he views himself as a good person who just make one mistake. He is asking me not to discard all of the good he has done in our marriage because of a one time lack of judgement. One of my best friends knows about this situation and she says my husband is just a really nice guy who did a really stupid thing. She said it’s obvious that he loves his family and wants to make this right. I agree to an extent, but how nice can he really be if he cheated on me? Do nice guys cheat on their wives over only one stupid indiscretion and then go on to love their families?” I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

I realize that some people are going to disagree with me, but I absolutely think that it is possible for very nice and loving men to make a one time mistake that they never repeat. This is particularly true if that same man is going through a life crisis that affects what would otherwise be good judgement at any other time. Now, a man who has cheated more than once is less likely to fall into this category.

But I know many husbands (including mine) who made one mistake that they never made again and who and went on to be very loving husbands and fathers in a loving and healthy marriage. So how do you know if your husband is one of those one time offenders who truly is a nice guy who was only momentarily stupid? Well often, you need to look at his past behaviors, which I will discuss now.

What Does His Past Behaviors Say About Him?: I am going to tell you two things which I believe contribute to cheating. This is only my opinion based on my own research and from comments that I get from men on my blog. But I believe that men who repeatedly cheat often have a lack of impulse control and poor decision making skills. They also will often participate in risky behavior in order to generate excitement when they are bored or struggling in some way. When wives ask me if their husband will cheat again, I often ask them to look into his past for any hints of repetitive risky or thrill seeking behavior and also evidence that he is repeatedly impulsive. Men who exhibit this behavior can most certainly be rehabilitated, but it takes work.

Men who haven’t shown these tendencies in the past are good candidates (at least in my opinion) to be one time offenders who go on to become faithful and loving spouses. Honestly, if I had assumed that one mistake meant that my husband was no longer a good person, we likely would not still be married today. But his past behavior and actions showed me that he truly was a good person who acted with integrity. Likewise, his behavior after the affair confirmed that same integrity, which leads me to my next point.

What Does His Current Behavior Say About Him Now?: Often, men with high levels of remorse and integrity are less likely to cheat again.  Again, this is only my opinion but I firmly believe this.  These men know that they have made a grave mistake and they are determined never to repeat it.  They are willing to dig in and to do the hard and necessary work in order to rehabilitate themselves so that you feel secure enough to begin to work on your healing.

In short, they put you and repairing the marriage first. So, you won’t hear tons of excuses and you won’t hear them blame you. Instead, you will see them spring into action to begin to make this right again, not because they want to take some of the heat off of themselves but because they truly love their family and they don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it ever again. And it sounded to me as if this husband fell into that category.

As I alluded to, I firmly believe that some men make a one time mistake that they never repeat.  And I believe that my husband was in this category.  I will not lie and say that healing was easy or quick.   But it was worth it.  Our marriage is strong today and very much still in tact.  I am glad I did not discount my husband’s years of good and loving behavior because of one thing.  Yes, we had to work very hard to fix that one thing, but I am glad we did.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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