Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If you are dealing with a spouse who cheated on you, I don’t need to tell you that infidelity can be one of the most devastating experiences you will ever feel in your life – you already know. You wake up in the morning feeling pain, anger, and confusion – and you go to bed feeling the same way. Until something changes.  And then you might doubt the sincerity of it.

Sometimes, a phenomenon called “hysterical bonding” rears its head after an affair. And it can feel fantastic because suddenly, you aren’t sleepwalking through your life anymore. Suddenly, you actually FEEL positive, and not negative emotions. But can you trust it? And can these new emotions actually help make things right again?

What Does Hysterical Bonding Look Like?: This term is used to describe intense emotion between the spouses after an affair. Often, it means that you can’t keep your hands off of each other or don’t want to be away from one another. I’ve had people tell me that in this phase, their spouse was almost like a drug.

Of course, most people intuitively know that hysterical bonding is an attempt to feel in control again and to confirm that the two of you can still feel something positive for one another.  It feels like an emotional and sexual connection that you haven’t felt since the early stages of your marriage sometimes. But of course, people wonder if they can trust it.

A wife might say, “My husband’s affair really hit my self-esteem hard. I felt worthless. It did not help that he cheated with a younger, prettier version of me. When I first found out, I would have nothing to do with him. However, last week, he barged into the house and kissed me. Ever since we have been joined at the hip and can’t keep our hands off of each other. This feels good. When he’s with me, I know he can’t be with her. But is this real? Will it fade? I’m not sure what to make of it, but it’s like a fire has been lit.”

The wife is right and that hysterical bonding feels quite intense. And you can feel like hyped-up teenagers – with the intense sexual activity that comes with being young and crazy about each other. Another thing you may notice is that the cheating partner constantly wants to be with you, wants to check in with you, and wants to gain your reassurance.

And suddenly, you may be staying awake in the wee hours of the night and really and truly opening up to each other and sharing your secret hopes and dreams like you used to when you were dating. Surely, this is a good thing? It can be a starting point, but there are things to watch out for.

Where To Be Careful With Hysterical Bonding:  It’s important to note that often, hysterical bonding is born out of fear and a lack of control. It is an attempt to quelch the fear of loss and to feel like you have at least some control once again. This isn’t necessarily a bad or unexpected thing, but it can become overly intense as emotions swing back and forth.

One minute you can’t get enough of him and the next, you remember what he did and you want him out of your sight. Sometimes, the cheating partner can become extremely needy and overbearing as well.

The process can also make you struggle with two beliefs at one time – that he wants you badly now but he certainly didn’t when he was cheating. That can be painful and hard to reconcile.  

Why Hysterical Bonding Itself Isn’t Likely To Save Your Marriage After An Affair: One can look at hysterical bonding like a bandaid. It can provide temporary relief that makes everything feel better. But often, it keeps couples from really talking about (and fixing) the crux of the matter – why he cheated in the first place and what you’re going to do about it now.

If you’re all over each other and constantly in bed, what’s the incentive to do a deep dive into your marriage and the affair? Most importantly, if you don’t do this, you leave yourself open to more infidelity, or continued resentment, in the future.

Additionally, hysterical bonding does nothing to address the long-term trust issues that you are bound to have. And, when the shine starts to wear off a bit, the faithful spouse will of course ask themselves why and may even worry what it all means. Plus the bonding can be a distraction from doing the real work and the true healing.

So How Do You Deal With Hysterical Bonding?: I always feel that whether couples have sex soon or intense intimacy after an affair is up to them. If both parties are game and fully willing, then it is no one’s business.  But it is important not to confuse this type of intimacy with real work and healing.

Use it as a way to feel better and a launching point. But don’t allow it to mean that everything is fine now. You deserve better than that. You deserve true healing and restored trust. That, unfortunately, takes work.

Thankfully, I did realize what I truly deserved after my own husband’s affair and I did not mistake intensity for healing (although it was tempting.) You can read more about how I healed on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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