Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Questions stemming from the trust after an affair is among the most common I hear. People want to know how they can ever trust again after so brutal a betrayal. And they worry that if they dare to trust, they might be burned again.

A wife might say, “We are months post-cheating, and yet, our marriage still struggles and it comes down to trust. I just can’t bring myself to fully, completely trust him. There is just a tiny part of me that feels afraid that if I let down my guard, he’ll cheat again. And I doubt if I will be able to withstand this twice. I’m already so furious at him that another bout of cheating would truly ruin us. But he’s constantly telling me I have to trust him or our marriage won’t even be the same. And while I know this is true on an intellectual level, I am not sure I’ll ever believe it emotionally. How do you trust him again after an affair, and how do you know for sure that he won’t cheat again?”

Why Trust Seems So Impossible After Infidelity: Trust is a vital part of any healthy relationship, and when infidelity occurs, it shatters the trust upon which a marriage is built. Not surprisingly, the faithful spouse never wants to go through this again, so, to protect themselves, they go through life with skepticism and distrust. And you can’t blame them. They’re trying to protect themselves from being hurt. I understand this intimately as I went through it myself. In fact, I was certain that I’d never “blindly trust” my husband again, and frankly, I was willing to live with that instead of opening myself up to risk. I was willing to let my heart scab over it it meant not having it broken. But that was also a painful way to live.

That’s why this article will try to cover some important things to think about as you struggle to regain trust (or decide if you even want to) and will offer some tips on truly moving forward and trusting again if you’d like to go that route. 

Give Yourself Loving Patience and the Luxury of Time:  Many people feel pressured to trust again quite soon. They think that if they can’t give their trust freely, they might never be able to give it. In my experience, this just isn’t true.  

What’s more, forcing yourself to offer up trust before you are ready to do so can actually lead to more doubts and more fear. 

There’s nothing wrong with seeing restoring the trust as what it actually is – a gradual and ongoing process. You need time to heal. You need time to process. In my observation, if you want true healing and peace, this process can’t be rushed. Don’t let anyone (including yourself) rush you. Because you’ve been through enough, give yourself the luxury of time. 

There’s no downside to taking all the time you need so that you can genuinely give hard-won trust.

Understand that Trust Must Be Earned by Someone Else: It may sound harsh, but the burden is on your husband to earn your trust. The burden is not on you to freely offer it before you are satisfied that he has earned it.  

To that end, if you doubt your spouse’s rehabilitation and remorse, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him where he’s falling short and then waiting to see him give you what you need. Sure, most husbands want things to “get back to normal” as soon as possible, but a truly remorseful husband will understand that he’s responsible for healing and rehabilitation for as long as it takes. 

Understand that your reluctance is completely natural considering what you’ve been through. There is no need to apologize for wanting to see consistent, desired behaviors from your husband before you’ll consider offering trust. 

You don’t need to move forward until you see what you want to see but know that it does feel really good to trust again eventually, so I’d suggest allowing yourself to believe that trusting again one day is possible – because in my experience, it is. 

Make No Apologies for What You Need:  What you’re going to need to offer your trust again really depends on you. Everyone is different, so there is no standard solution. Some people need to see very long-term remorse and change and others are more willing to forgive quickly based upon their spouse’s past behaviors. There’s no right or wrong answer. There’s no need to feel guilty if restoring trust takes some time, or to feel weak when you give it.

Don’t hesitate to ask for what you need. Some wives need full accountability, and the knowledge that their husband does not have the time, inclination, or opportunity to cheat again.  

If that is what you need, tell him because he cannot read your mind. And make no apologies for it. You deserve to get whatever it is that you need. And until you get it, you likely won’t be able to trust or move on. 

Can You Ever Get a Guarantee?:  I am going to be honest with you. I know of no way that you can “guarantee” that a spouse won’t cheat again. But what you can do is watch your husband’s behaviors and rehabilitate your marriage for as long as you need to to feel comfortable that you can put your trust in him.

I also recommend working on yourself because it helps to have confidence in YOURSELF that you can handle whatever comes up in your future. If you have that, you don’t worry as much about the “what ifs” because you know you can handle them.

It did take me a good while – and it took him much effort – for us to restore the trust. But taking as long as was needed was worth it because we no longer have to walk on eggshells around infidelity. And frankly, the peace of mind I got while taking a more gradual approach to trust was the least my husband could endure, and he accepted that because he knew that the affair was his fault, and he was eventually sufficiently remorseful for it.

I understand how challenging rebuilding trust truly is. And I’d never downplay it, but I’d encourage you to prioritize it because it really can feel like a weight is removed once it naturally happens. Conversely, if you decide that you just can’t do it with this man at this time, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. But it’s your choice. Don’t let anyone pressure you into it. 

Ultimately, one day I decided that I was safe to trust my husband unless he gave me a reason not to – and thankfully, he never has.  I have not regretted it because he hasn’t made me regret it.  And I am happy with our stable marriage today. But none of this would have happened if I haven’t given him the chance. You can read the whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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