Can My Marriage Survive If My Husband Still Has Contact With The Woman He Cheated On Me With?
by: katie lersch: It goes without saying that the ideal when you’re trying to save your marriage after infidelity or an affair is for the spouse who cheated to cut off all contact or ties with the other person. It’s difficult enough to save your marriage when it’s only the two of you, but this becomes more difficult if the triangle is still in tact. Sometimes though, contact with the other woman is unavoidable. Sometimes she’s a neighbor, a friend, or a coworker. I’ve even heard of her being an ex wife and the mother of the current husband’s children.
I recently heard from a wife whose husband had cheated with a colleague at work. She said, in part “my husband still works with the woman he had an affair with. He assures me that he will and can set boundaries and will avoid her as much as he can. This makes me extremely uncomfortable. I want him to quit his job. He says that isn’t possible in this economy. He says he’s worked years to get where he is and he’s not about to give that up because of my insecurities. I don’t think our marriage stands a chance if I know that he has to see her every day. This isn’t just my insecurity talking. It’s just common sense. I think that he is the one who cheated on me and now it’s his responsibility to break all ties so that he doesn’t see her any more. Am I wrong?”
I didn’t think that the wife was wrong, but I also know that this is a very common issue. Removing the other woman from the equation is the ideal. And I believe that if this is possible, it should be pursued. But there are some instances where it’s not possible. However, this doesn’t mean that every effort shouldn’t be made to create as much as emotional and physical distance as is possible. I will discuss this more in the following article.
It’s Best To Try To Create As Much Distance As Possible. If Your Husband Can’t Create A Physical Distance Than He Should Create An Emotional One: I didn’t know enough about the couple’s financial or employment situation to have an opinion on how feasible it was for him to find another job. If this wasn’t possible, then he could perhaps ask for a transfer or perhaps to work for the same company in a different department. If none of the things were feasible, he could at least let the woman know that they would only be communicating on absolutely essential topics. And perhaps much of their communication could be done by email, text, or in ways that they didn’t need to be physically together.
The wife indicated that her husband was likely to balk at these suggestions. The thing is, he needed to understand that her concerns were very much warranted. Women whose husbands have cheated or had an affair spend a good deal of time thinking and worrying about the other woman – especially at first. (And men who are cheated on do this also.) The healing process is difficult enough even when the faithful spouse is confident that the other person is out of the picture. So hopefully the husband could understand how difficult this situation was for his wife. And, once he understood this, he would hopefully work with her to determine what would make her more comfortable.
With that said, while I understand that this was certainly not an ideal situation, I do believe that it’s possible for your marriage to survive if your husband must have some contact with the other woman when this is a necessity and not his choice. (The husband choosing to have contact with her when it’s not a necessity is an entirely different story and it indicates a lack of commitment and compassion on his part.) The key really is for both of you to be very open, honest, and transparent. The husband should go out of his way not to hide any issues about this with his wife and he should be extremely clear to the other woman that their relationship consists of work related issues only. A very well defined and clear line must be drawn so that every one understands and respects that the marriage takes first priority. If there’s any good news about this, it’s that if this couple’s marriage was able to remain intact and recover after this situation, then they truly should be able to get through anything.
Tips For When Your Husband Has To Have Some Contact With The Other Woman Who He Cheated Or Had An Affair With: Eventually, the wife accepted that that her husband wasn’t going to leave his job immediately. So she had a choice to make. She had to decide if she was going to go ahead and try to save her marriage anyway or walk away because of her own doubts. She decided that she didn’t want to walk away but she was very doubtful and uncomfortable. This was understandable, but sometimes, if you want to give yourself the best chance for success, you have to keep moving forward regardless of your doubts.
The more you are able to rebuild your marriage and your confidence in it, the less you will worry about her. I know that it’s difficult to put her out of your mind, but you must pay attention to yourself and to your marriage before you dwell on her. Encourage your husband to be open and honest with you and, once he has, try not to continue to pepper him with questions unless he gives you a reason to do so. Some of us are very guilty bringing our husband’s attention to what we fear the most. Sometimes, we put a continuous voice to our doubts. One woman admitted to me that every day her husband got home from work, she wanted a detailed description of every encounter (if any) with the woman he cheated with. While this is understandable, when you do this, you are continuously drawing your husband’s attention back to her and you put your insecurities on full display.
You want to try to insist that he limit his contact with her, but you want to avoid constantly harping on the issue and making yourself feel worse. At the end of the day, your real goal is to heal your marriage and rebuild it to the point where neither or your are worrying or thinking about other people. This can’t happen if you’re constantly bringing up her. As long as your husband is honoring his promise to set clear limits and to keep contact limited to business only, at some point you have to trust that he will do exactly that unless he gives you a reason not to.
I know that understanding or dealing with any issue that has to do with the other woman is difficult, but healing really is eventually possible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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