Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

It’s interesting to examine cheating confessions.  Not all of them come when a spouse is close to learning the truth or when the cheating spouse is confronted.  Sure, sometimes, the faithful spouse has strong suspicions or knows about the cheating, so the person having an affair will figure that it’s better to confess.  Other times, though, the cheating spouse is actually pretty safe as far as detection goes.  The faithful spouse has no idea about the cheating, and yet, the cheating spouse confesses anyway.  This is either because of guilt or because he thinks that it is the right thing to do.  Many times he has saving his marriage in his own mind.

Often the faithful spouse isn’t sure what to make of these confessions that seem to come out of nowhere.  One isn’t sure if they are a good sign or not.  One wonders what would motivate a spouse to just up and confess.  Someone might say: “I feel very naive about this, but I did not suspect my husband of cheating.  He did not have to confess to me.  I did not have any idea at all. I thought that things were fine between us.  We were having a perfectly acceptable evening and he said that there was something that he had to tell me. Then he just started choking out that he was having an affair.  Eventually, he started crying and stressing how sorry he was.  He never said if it was over.  He just said that he prays that I will give him a chance.  He said that he could not continue to lie to and deceive me.  He said that he was having trouble sleeping and functioning because this was all eating him up inside.  When I told my best friend about this, she said that my husband is likely putting on an act because perhaps the other woman was going to tell me and my husband was trying to get to me first.  She may be right, but part of me thinks that it took some courage for him to confess and that it is a good sign.  Am I just having wishful thinking about this?”

This is only my opinion, but I too believe that for the most part, a confession can be a good sign.  That said, I believe that it is a more positive sign when a cheating spouse confesses well before they have to.  If you’re about to catch them or their affair partner is blackmailing them, well, that confession was a last resort or a preemptive strike.  And to me, that confession does not carry as much weight as the one that came without any threat.

A husband whose conscience and respect for you bothers him so much that not only does he have to end the affair, but he wants to be honest with you about it, is a husband who, at least in my opinion, will be less likely to cheat again.  Why? Because he has already proven that he’s not going to be at peace when he’s cheating on or betraying you.  This doesn’t negate his cheating, but it does show that he cares enough to feel guilty about it if it doesn’t do right by you, which shows the level of investment that he still has.

Of course, none of this is any guarantee.  And his willingness to confess does not mean that there will not be hard work ahead of you. Just because he confessed does not mean that you don’t get to decide what you want to do moving forward.  You may still feel betrayed and may still want reassurances and goodwill gestures from him.  However, I believe that his confession is a good start.  It does show a good faith effort.  It shows that he is bothered by his behavior and ready to take responsibility for it.  These are all promising things that not every wife gets.  Some wives get a husband who not only won’t confess, but who lies about the affair.  Then they get a husband who tries to deflect responsibility or tries to minimize his behavior once he is caught.

A husband who confesses hasn’t denied what is true or shirked his responsibility.  He has admitted his mistake and shown a preparedness to take responsibility for it.  In my own experience, there is a lot of work and additional steps between the discovery of the affair and getting a healthy marriage back and having trust restored.  But you can’t get there until you’ve taken the first step.  Your husband has shown a willingness to do this, which is a good sign.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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