Costly Mistakes That People Make After Their Spouse Has An Affair
Affair recovery is not a skill that is taught. Most of us never think about it until we find out that our spouse has cheated on us. Understandably, most people react out of instinct or emotion. None of us has a plan. We simply do the best that we can. So, it is understandable that many of us make mistakes. Unfortunately, these mistakes can cost you dearly because they can make recovery even more difficult. Below, I will list the biggest and most costly mistakes that I see the faithful spouse make after the affair (some of which I made myself.)
Talking to The Affair Partner And Then Believing Her Version of the Story: It’s understandable to have an almost desperate need to know all of the details of the affair. It is also very common for the cheating spouse to withhold some information for fear of hurting the faithful spouse. In response, sometimes the faithful spouse accepts information from the affair partner, who will often paint themselves as a reluctant participant who is not at fault. Understandably, the faithful spouse will often march right home and demand real answers. There are several problems with this. The affair partner has no skin in this game. She can say anything she wants, some or all of which may be untrue. And, by even giving her your attention, you’re leaving the door open when she really should have no place in your lives. Get your information from your spouse. Yes, it may take a while to get to the truth. But at least close the door on the affair partner so she can’t continue to cause problems.
Trying To Turn The Cheating Spouse’s Friends And Family Against Him: It’s understandable to want your spouse to feel shame and guilt. If negative feelings and consequences follow the affair, then perhaps he will be less likely to cheat again. To that end, many faithful spouses will tell family and friends about the affair in an attempt to turn these people against the cheating spouse. This is a bad idea for many reasons. Some of these people may have already known about the affair. Some will have a hard time forgetting it once you have told them. And, once you invite someone to give their opinion about your marriage, it can be nearly impossible to ever get them to stop. I know it is difficult to believe right now, but there will be a time when you are ready to move on. When that day comes, the last thing you will want is for people close to you to continue to harp on the affair when you’d like to put it behind you.
Trying To Make Your Spouse Jealous Or Cheating To “Get Back” At Him: When one spouse has an affair, the other feels rejected and taken for granted. Obviously, the cheating spouse didn’t appreciate what he had in his spouse and in his marriage. Sometimes, the faithful spouse wants to give him a little push to make him realize this. So she may become more flirtatious and elicit more attention from other men in an attempt to make her spouse jealous. The idea is to make him see that two can play this game or that if he doesn’t appreciate her, someone else will. Alternatively, she may want to show him how it feels to be cheated on. Here is the problem with this strategy. When you are the faithful spouse, you begin with the position that your spouse is the one who is in the wrong. But, if you choose to participate in the same behavior that he is guilty of, you are almost condoning it by participating in it yourself. Also, dealing with one bout of infidelity is difficult, but dealing with two is twice as hard. Simply put, you’d be creating an additional problem that you don’t need.
Believing That You Can Ignore This and It Will Go Away: If you are reading this article, you already know how painful and uncomfortable affair recovery can be. That’s one reason why there is a real tendency to rush in trying to get your normal life and marriage back. Sure, you’re angry at first. But eventually, holding the anger gets old so you just try to turn the corner. Although this is understandable, if you and your spouse never uncover what lead to the affair or do the work to prevent another occurrence, you can never truly move on or restore the trust. If you stay in your marriage, then you will have a relationship that isn’t as strong as it could be, so you will always be suspicious and resentful. If you divorce, you will take this pain into your next relationship. Doing the work is not easy, but at least it stops the process so that you can move on healthily and decisively.
By no means are these all the mistakes that I see. But they are what I believe are the most troublesome and damaging. I have been in this position and I know that you likely feel very justified in all of the above behaviors. But, in the end, they will only intensify the pain rather than improve it. I hope that you will avoid these mistakes if you can as recovery is hard enough without adding more issues that must be overcome. You’re welcome to read about my own recovery and how I overcame many mistakes at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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