Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many women wonder if they can or should believe their husband’s claim that his infidelity has made him realize just how much he loves them after all. Some of the wives who hear this claim truly want to believe this. Some of them are being cautioned against believing these claims by well-meaning friends and family. And some of the wives don’t need someone to feed them any doubt because they are feeling plenty of doubts all on their own.

One of the wives could say: “our marriage had been struggling for a couple of years. There were times when my husband and I discussed separating but we never did. There was also a period of time when I considered moving out, but I decided to honor my commitment to my marriage. A couple of months ago, I found out that my husband had an affair. To be honest, I wasn’t all that shocked or outraged. We have been struggling for so long and our marriage has been hanging by a thread. But now my husband is telling me that the idea of being with someone else and permanently letting me go has made him realize just how much he loves me after all. Part of me is relieved to hear this because the reason I haven’t left is that I love and am committed to him. But my friends say that he is feeding me a bunch of nonsense. They say that he’s just posturing so that I don’t take his money in a divorce. They say he’s just trying to reduce the fallout of the affair. Are they right? Because he does seem sincere and I recognize the looks that he has been giving me because I see the love in his eyes. It’s the way he used to look at me when things were good between us. But can I even trust these looks? Or am I just seeing what I want to see?”

Unfortunately, I only knew what the wife was telling me. I didn’t know the background of this couple nor did I know their personalities or motivations. However, I do know from experience that it’s very common for a cheating spouse to say that an affair or infidelity suddenly made them realize how much they loved their spouse and didn’t want to lose them. And some of them are very sincere.

I am not a cheating man. Instead, I’m a woman who has been on the other side of that equation. But the sequence of events and the thought process seems to go something like this. The person who cheats either acts in an impulsive or a passive aggressive manner thinking that the affair is either going to force their hand toward change or is going to improve their situation in some way. But when the affair doesn’t bring them the happiness or relief that they expected (or when they see the pain that this caused their spouse,) they realize that they have jeopardized what was the most important thing to them all along. This is especially true when their marriage is in jeopardy because of the affair or the wife makes it clear that the husband is at risk of losing her.

Now, with all of this said, there are men who will say these types of things in an attempt to offer their wife some reassurance or to minimize the impact of the affair. It’s not unheard of for husbands to continue to lie after the affair has been discovered.  And it’s very common for wives to fear that their husband falls into this category.  So where does that leave you if you are on the receiving end of a husband’s claims that he suddenly realizes his love for you during or after an affair? Well, that depends upon your own feelings and wishes. If you have no desire to revive your marriage and don’t care what this man does or thinks, then you’re under no obligation to believe him.

But, if you have even a passing interest in saving your marriage, then you will need to decide if you are going to entertain these claims. And the reality is, there’s no true way to know if he’s telling you the complete truth since you cannot feel what he feels or think what he thinks. However, what you can do is wait and see if his actions and his behaviors are in alignment with his claims.

What I mean by this is that a husband who has come to realize that he loves his wife will follow that up with actions. He will do what he needs to do in order to prove or demonstrate that love. Because he loves his wife, continuing to hurt her is the last thing that he would ever want to do. So to that end, he’s going to be willing to do whatever is required to offer her the reassurance that she needs in order to rebuild and to reestablish the trust. Because he loves his wife, he will realize that their recovery is his responsibility so he will take the initiative to begin the process rather than waiting for her to take the lead.

In short, a husband who realizes he loves his wife will make an effort that is in line with his personality and ability. You probably can’t expect a shy and withdrawn guy to suddenly become outgoing and demonstrative, but you will probably see him making a huge effort to show you how much he cares in his own way. You will likely see him doing what you are asking of him and making every effort to prove himself to you.

Now, some men will be able to do this better than others. Some men do try but they aren’t very good at expressing themselves. So if your husband is trying but just falling short, consider being patient and giving him an opportunity to show you his sincerity with his repeated actions.

But to answer the question posed I do think it is possible for a man to realize that he loves his wife during or after an affair. However, I also think his actions should be in line with this if he expects his wife to believe in his sincerity.

My husband made all sorts of claims of love after I caught him having an affair.  I truly wanted to believe him.  But I had my doubts.  So I made a commitment to just wait it out and see if he could prove himself (and his love) to me.  And I’m glad I did.  Our marriage today is quite strong, but we would never have made it if I had never given him a chance.  If it helps, you can read our story of reconciliation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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