Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people are discouraged about the changes in their sex life after one of them cheated or had an affair. Often, they can’t help but notice that no matter how much time has gone by and no matter how hard they seem to try, things just don’t seem to be the same. This can make them wonder if their sex life will ever feel normal or good again.

One might express this frustration: “my husband had an affair about a year ago. We have done a lot of work on the emotional aspect of our relationship. We are slowly restoring the trust and, in that respect, things seem to be improving. What worries me the most right now is that our sex life still isn’t quite right. At first, my husband was afraid to have sex with me because he assumed I’d be angry. I was afraid that he would have performance issues because he wasn’t attracted to me. We overcame these problems. But even after that, things just aren’t the same. It’s not that spontaneous, crazy and intense feeling that we used to have where we could hardly wait to get our hands on each other. Now, it feels forced. And even when I start out enjoying myself, thoughts about my husband and the other woman always seem to invade my thoughts. And so whether I mean to or not, I shut down because emotionally and mentally, I am somewhere else. I am sure my husband notices this even though he doesn’t say anything. We keep trying, but I’m sure that we both know that our sex life is less than what it was before the affair. Are couples ever able to return their sex life to normal after infidelity? Because I’m starting to think it’s just not possible for us.”

You Can Get Your Sex Life Back And Even Improve it After Infidelity:

I know that things seem bleak right now. And I can tell you that you are not alone or abnormal. A lot of issues that crop up after an affair has to do with sex. And this makes sense of course. When your spouse has had sex with someone else, this is the elephant in the room every time you try to be intimate in your marriage.

But as hopeless as you may feel this is, I can tell you that plenty of couples restore their sex life. Some will even tell you that it is better than it was before. Why? There are various reasons. Some work very hard at this because they never want to leave their marriage vulnerable again. Some wives work very hard to restore their self-esteem and, somewhere along the way, they learn some new skills that actually makes sex better for both people. And other times, the husband becomes a better listener and communicator and this shows itself in the bedroom because, especially for women, emotions are tied into your intimate relationships.

Despite these assurances, many people still insist that they have tried everything but they just don’t think that decent sex is ever going to return to their marriage. If you find yourself in this situation, there are a couple of things that you can look at, which I’ll discuss below.

If Things Haven’t Improved For Some Time, Explore The Trust, Look For Any Residual Anger, And Evaluate Self Esteem:

Good sex requires both vulnerability and confidence. You both have to let the walls down. If you are guarded or worried about what the other person is thinking, this is going to negatively impact your experience. And if your spouse sees that you aren’t enjoying yourself, they are going to second guess themselves also so that the negative cycle just continues and feeds upon itself.

Often, they are a couple of things that keep the couple from feeling free and uninhibited. Sometimes, the anger and resentment is still there which means that there is still some work to do somewhere. Other times, there is still a lack of trust.

Finally, you have to be aware of your own self-esteem. You can’t be a good lover if you don’t think that you are desirable. You simply can’t pull it off because the confidence isn’t there. If this rings any bells for you, then your next step would be relentlessly to work very hard to restore your self- esteem. (There is a good resource for this on the side of this blog called “Her Secrets.”) Because frankly, if you don’t believe that you are sexy or desirable, you are going to give off this vibe during sex. And you don’t deserve that. But if you believe that you are going to rock his world and that he is lucky to be with you, then he is likely to believe this too and your experience is going to reflect that also.

So to answer the question posed, yes, people absolutely get a normal sex life again after infidelity. Does it happen automatically? No. Is it always easy? No again. But it is certainly possible. And you deserve it. So if you’re not seeing it now, ask yourself what work you still need to do and then begin to methodically do the work. Because good sex actually is very important to a good marriage. And if your sex life is lacking, you will probably wonder if your husband is going to cheat again.

As I alluded to, sex is often a struggle after infidelity.  And it usually isn’t about the physical connection.  It is about the emotional one.  Once I understood this, things drastically improved for me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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