Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have made the very reluctant decision to initiate a separation after they have caught their husband cheating or having an affair. Often, the wife does this only as a last resort. She just feels that she needs some time to evaluate this and she doesn’t feel right living as a married couple after the affair. At the same time, she isn’t sure that she wants a divorce. So, she figures the best compromise is to seek a trial separation to give her some time to sort out what she wants.

And while this can seem like the best possible option at the time, there can be a lot of questions about the boundaries that are going to be appropriate and that are going to work. After all, in essence the wife has chosen not to live with her husband at this time, so she wonders what she can reasonably expect from him during the separation, especially as it relates to the other woman.

I might hear a comment like: “I am not sure if I want to divorce my husband because of his affair. I still love him, but I feel that our marriage has been severely damaged. I asked him to leave. I told him that I wanted a separation. He resisted and begged me not to pursue this. I felt that I had to. I felt that if I let him stay knowing that he cheated on me, then I was living a lie. He reluctantly agreed to leave but he was not happy about it and he felt that I had acted harshly and prematurely. The other day, my kids went to visit him. A few days after they came home, one of them mentioned that a lady dropped by but that their father had told her that he was busy. I had a very strong reaction to this and I felt suspicious that he is having the other woman over during our separation. When I mentioned this to my best friend, she told me that I didn’t have the right to ask my husband if he was having her over. She said that since I kicked my husband out of the house, he is living in his own home now and it is the not the business of the separated wife who he has in his own home. Is she right? Do I have any right to ask my husband if the other woman is visiting or staying with him while we are separated?”

My first reaction to questions like this is to wonder what type of friend this really is. Perhaps I am not very objective about this because of my own background. But quite frankly, this couple is still married. They are separated because of the husband’s infidelity. Why in the world would the wife not have the right to know if her husband is still cheating? I personally do not believe that separated couples should see other people when they are separated. I consider this to be even more cheating.

In my view, when you are separated, your are admittedly having marital problems, but you are hoping that the time away from one another will give you the perspective to want to come back together in order to work out your problems. The idea is not that you are going to do something to put a reconciliation in jeopardy because you are still married. If you do not want to still be married, then you would have sought a divorce. The wife had made it clear that she needed time. She made it clear that she wasn’t going to pursue a divorce. So I’m not sure how in the world the husband would have figured having another woman to his home would have been perfectly fine.

With this said, we don’t actually know what happened. We don’t really know who came to the door. We do know that the husband sent whoever the woman was away. So instead of guessing, it might be a good idea to put this out in the open.

You might consider saying something like: “one of the kids mentioned that during his visit, a lady came to your apartment. I am wondering who this lady was. I am hoping that it wasn’t the other woman. Because if it was, that would be grossly inappropriate. I know that we are separated and that I initiated this, but we are still married. I have no intention of seeing anyone else. If I wanted to do that, I would get a divorce first. If you see other women, I would consider that cheating and I am pretty clear on the fact that we won’t be able to save our marriage if there is any one else. So let’s talk about who this was and whether or not she is going to come back.”

He may tell you that it was just a neighbor. You may find it that it was the other woman, but she came by without being invited. It’s very important to let him know that you are going to be watching closely and that you are not going to accept him inviting and having other women to his place. To his credit, he did turn her away. So now you have to get information as to what is going on and you have to set very clear boundaries going forward.

But to answer the question posed, I absolutely think that the wife has every right to want to know if the other woman is visiting his home, even though they are officially separated. They are still married and, if the other woman is visiting, then to me, this is continued cheating.

Healing after an affair is hard enough without having to deal with the other woman.  If it helps, you can read more about my path to healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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