Do I Need To Explain That I’m Ending The Affair To Save My Marriage?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who have made the very important decision to end an affair to save their marriages. And very often, they know in their hearts that this is the right thing to do, but they wonder what obligation they have to the other person with whom they were cheating. They often wonder if they need to give an explanation or if that is only going to make things worse.
A wife might exclaim: “I am so ashamed to admit this, but I cheated on my husband for seven months with a guy from work. I’m also a little ashamed to admit that not only did I develop real feelings for the other guy, but I kind of characterized my husband as unfeeling and distant. So now that I’ve chosen to come clean to my husband and save my marriage, I feel very weird going to the other guy and telling him that I’m leaving him to go back to the guy who I claimed was cold and unfeeling. My husband doesn’t want for me to have any more contact with this other man. I am getting a transfer at work so it shouldn’t be too difficult to stay away from him. But my question is do I need to explain to him that I’m ending things because of my marriage? Do I owe him an explanation? How is this customarily handled?”
Ending an affair is handled in any number of ways. It truly depends upon the reason that you are ending it, what you think is right, and what you are most comfortable with. But, I’ll offer you some things to think about below.
If You’re Ending The Affair To Save Your Marriage, End It In The Way That’s Best For Your Marriage: Think for a second about why you are ending the affair. If you are truly doing this for your marriage, then anything that you do to end it and any interactions that you have with the other person should be firmly in line with what is best for your marriage. If your spouse doesn’t want you interacting with the other person, then having a long, drawn-out conversation where you have to explain your feelings or motivations might not be the best way to go. Also, sometimes when you face the other person, the feelings come forth and you aren’t as decisive as you should be. This can give the other person mixed feelings or give them the mistaken impression that there is still a chance for the relationship.
Attempting To Save Your Marriage Is The Honorable Thing To Do. You Don’t Need To Over Explain It: It’s probably fair to say that anyone getting involved with someone who is already married has to know that the relationship involves some risk. So it should not come as a total surprise that the possibility exists that one or both of you might want to eventually save your marriage. You shouldn’t need to make any apologies for honoring your commitment to your legal spouse who you promised to love, honor and cherish for a lifetime.
An affair or a cheating relationship is one that is based on dishonesty, deception, and, at the very least, secrets. You should not feel the need to over explain why you are leaving the dishonest relationship for the one to which you have made a lifetime commitment.
So, If I Don’t Need To Explain Why I’m Ending Things, How Do I End The Affair?: That really has to be up to you as you keep in mind what is best for your marriage moving forward. But however you do it, it’s always a good idea to keep it very brief and to the point. You don’t want to sound like you aren’t sure or that there’s going to be any room for the other person to convince you to change your mind later on. You want to be very clear that the relationship is not going to work for you and therefore it’s completely over for good. If you feel that you need to apologize to the other person, be very careful not to sound guilty. Because it’s common for them to try to use that guilt to get you back. You don’t want to leave any room for them to misunderstand you.
So my honest answer to the question posed is I don’t think it’s required for you to over explain why the affair is over. It’s not all that complicated. You’re married and you are honoring your commitment to your spouse. Yes, you may have misrepresented some things, but it’s probably pretty safe to say that you both are guilty of this. If you do feel the need to offer an explanation, keep it very brief, matter of fact, and firmly in line with your goal of saving your marriage.
To me, the most important thing moving forward is your conversations with your spouse, not your conversations with the other person. It’s best to keep any interactions very brief and then to just move on and begin the healing. Of course, I am biased. My own marriage was nearly destroyed by my husband’s affair. But luckily, we were both able to see that the sooner we left the other person behind and moved on, the better it was for all involved. If it helps, you are welcome to read about the process of our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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