Do Men Forget Their Affair Partners?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who spend a lot of time thinking about how their husband is going to feel about the other woman in the days to come. They also worry about how much (or if) he is still going to be thinking of her. Sometimes, the husband is telling the wife that, in time, he is going to forget all about this other woman. But understandably, the wife has a very hard time buying this.
A common comment in this scenario is: “I have read countless texts, letters, and emails between my husband and his affair partner. These documents are extremely hard for me to read but I force myself to do so because I truly want to know what I am up against. I truly want to know how my husband felt about this woman. My husband is begging me to take him back. He has ended the affair. He even got a new job so that I don’t have to worry about him seeing her. This is significant. Because he worked for many years to obtain the skills for his old job. I know how much it meant to him. And I know what it must have cost my husband to give this up. And these things do matter to me. But one thing that I absolutely can not move past is how my husband obviously feels about this woman and just how much effort and feeling he obviously poured into this relationship. I have been honest with my husband about this concern. And his response to me is that in time, he will forget all about her. He says that as we improve our marriage, he won’t think about her any more. I don’t buy this. Is it even possible for a man to forget about his affair partner?”
I will answer this question from who I am – which is a wife who has gone through infidelity. I can tell you that I sure wish it was possible for a cheating husband to forget all about the other woman. And yet, I don’t. And here is why. I realize that this is merely my own experience and my own perceptions. But frankly, I can remember the names of most people in my second grade class. I remember the apartment manager at my college apartment. I remember the office supervisor at my first job. I remember all of my coworkers also.
The point is, it is human nature to remember most of the people with whom you come in contact over your life time. And, the more intimate the relationship was that you had with the person, the more that you are likely to remember it. I am no longer in love with my junior high boyfriend, but I can still remember many aspects of his personality and appearance. And I don’t think that I could forget these things even if I wanted to. And this probably doesn’t even matter. But I am trying to make a point. Generally, you don’t just forget another human being who meant even a tiny bit to you. That’s not to say that your memories are meaningful, which leads me to my next point.
His Memories Of Her Do Not Mean That He Still Wants Her: I personally believe that it’s highly unlikely for any husband to “forget all about” the other woman as though he has amnesia. But, I do understand why he may want for you to believe this. What he’s really trying to say to you is that memories don’t matter. Actions do. I find it highly likely that, for time to time, he may think of her. But if your marriage has been rehabilitated, then he’s likely to think about it in terms of how big of a mistake it was and to wonder what he saw in her.
It’s probably a mistake to assume that every memory that he has of her is going to be favorable or full of longing. He may remember her and feel quite uncomfortable and full or remorse. And frankly, if your marriage has returned to a happy and healthy place, then memories of her don’t necessarily need to threaten you. The key is to be healed so that you no longer need to worry so much about it.
Sure, no wife wants for her husband to remember any other woman. But in truth, your husband likely remembers his 6th grade next door neighbor. And his first love. And a woman who may have impacted his professional career. That is just human nature.
So to answer the question posed, I believe that he probably will remember her from time to time. But I don’t think that memories need to threaten your marriage. It is behaviors and actions in real time that do that.
As you can probably tell, I firmly believe that healing counters most worries that follow the affair. If it helps, you can read more about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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