Do Men Who Get Caught Cheating Always Talk Badly About The Other Woman
By: Katie Lersch: If you are a faithful wife who is dealing with a cheating husband, you are going to understand me when I say that how your husband describes, reacts to, and postures about the other woman are vitally important. Once the affair is out in the open, the wife watches and listens to his words, his body language, and his claims regarding the other woman. The wife wants all the verbal and nonverbal information that she can get. After all, she’s desperately trying to figure out how her husband really feels about this person. This goal makes sense because the husband basically risked everything to cheat. So, of course, the wife wonders if he has deep and meaningful feelings for her that are going to threaten the marriage.
Quite often, the husband will begin posturing very quickly. While some husbands refuse to speak ill of the other woman or will insist that she did have some redeeming qualities, other husbands can’t denounce her fast enough. This can make the wife wonder if she can believe in his sincerity. How does it make sense that this woman is so awful and yet, a very short time ago, the husband was cheating with her?
A wife might say, “I caught my husband cheating strictly by chance. Honestly, I had no clue. He had been acting completely normally and frankly, our marriage has been pretty decent. I thought that we were happy and I know that our kids feel as if they have grown up in a happy home, which truly means everything to me. However, there is no question that he cheated. But now that I am demanding information, he is insisting that this meant absolutely nothing and that he and the other woman have only seen one another a total of three times. He says that the other woman is stupid, demanding, obnoxious, and low class. From my own research, his description is pretty accurate. However, if he really felt this way, why would he cheat with her? When I ask him about this, he claims that she caught him at a time of weakness and that even when he was with her, he wasn’t really into it. I mean, I guess I could believe that if it only happened once, but this just isn’t the reality of it. So his words just don’t make a lot of sense. I have asked a couple of girlfriends about this and they say that he doth protest too much. They say that perhaps she was adventurous sexually or something that had nothing to do with her looks or personality, but they insist that clearly, she had something, because he kept coming back. My friends claim that all men who are caught cheating speak badly of the other woman and that this really means nothing. Are they right?
Well, I can’t speak about everyone’s else’s situation. I can only speak about my own case and I can speak about my own observations when I supported other wives who have gone through this. Many husbands do immediately denounce the other woman. Statistically speaking, most cheating people very much want to stay in their marriage. So it is in their best interest to make the wife think that she has absolutely nothing to worry about it in terms of the other woman.
Sometimes, It Is A Matter Of A New Perspective: Some husbands feel differently about the other woman once the affair is over. Although they may have thought that they were very much into it while the affair was happening, once they are caught and the thrill must be gone, they can feel like a fool. They are generally embarrassed and ashamed and they will sometimes associate these negative feelings with the other woman, so suddenly they feel very differently about her. Some even blame her for ruining their life or risking their marriage.
Defending The Other Woman Is Actually Common: I also have to tell you that plenty of men actually defend the other woman, refuse to speak ill of her, or even cling to her and tell the wife that he is not yet ready to break it off. In fact, some husbands try to use his feelings for the other woman to justify the affair. He’ll claim that they had a special relationship and therefore, he just could not pass it up. Many husbands will also use this same excuse when they ask for time to decide what they want to do about the affair. Some will flat out tell their wives that they aren’t ready to let her go.
So no, not every husband speaks poorly of the other woman. In fact, many speak favorably of her or at least will refuse to throw her under the bus. And other husbands will immediately speak of her like she is trash. However, it can be difficult to determine if they are sincere or if they are just posturing for their wife and for their marriage’s sake.
Many wives don’t exactly get comfort from this trash talk anyway. What kind of person will just cheat with someone who had no redeeming qualities whatsoever? If his standards are this low, does this mean that you need to worry more? Not necessarily, but I would not base my entire reconciliation (or lack of it) on what my husband said or claimed.
Quite frankly, it is the husband’s behaviors, actions, and intentions that matter the most. A husband can sincerely tell you that the other woman meant nothing and then cheat again in six months. Another husband may be honest about his conflicting feelings, go with you to therapy, uncover some serious sabotaging behaviors, and then be faithful for the rest of his life (once he understands his motivations, risks, and behaviors.)
Men can and do say any number of things after they are caught cheating. Some claims are true and some are not. Many such claims don’t mean all that much in terms of the future. What is much more important is what he DOES, not what he SAYS. This is why I watched my husband very closely for a very long time after his affair. Watching authentic behaviors and patterns will tell you much more than any words your husband can say. You can read more about my recovery from the affair on my blog: surviving-the-affair.com
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