Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Understandably, many people have their doubts as to whether it’s possible to stay together (or get back together if they have broken up) after one of them cheats or is unfaithful.  I often hear from people who don’t seem to think that it’s very likely.  I suppose they have never had any close friends or family members who were able to stick it out.

A wife in this situation might say: “my husband cheated on me with one of his old girlfriends who he saw when he went home for his father’s funeral. He immediately told me about it and was remorseful, but I am crushed.  I didn’t attend the funeral with him because my son is young and we jointly decided that it would be easier not to travel with an infant. So, while I am home caring for our son and worried about the mental health of my husband who just lost his father, that same husband is out getting drunk and sleeping with an old girlfriend.  I told him that I don’t think we will ever get through this and he says that plenty of people stay together or even get back together even after infidelity.  Is this true? Is it rare for couples to make it after one of them cheats?”

Actually, it is not that rare at all.  Although the statistics that you read about vary, some show us that over 75 percent of couples stay together after infidelity.  Granted, these statistics cover married couples who have much more to lose when they break up.  I find that people are often quite surprised by this number.  And I suppose if you have not gone through this, it might be easier to speculate that infidelity would be a deal breaker for your relationship.  But I can tell you first hand that when you do go through this and your family is at risk, sometimes you are more open to the idea that you might want to work it out rather than to give up the most important relationship in your life.

Why People Will Try To Stay Together (Or Get Back Together) When One Of Them Cheats:  Simply put, you sometimes feel that you have too much to lose by just giving up.  After all, this is your spouse or the person that you love.  That’s not to say that you aren’t devastated by their choice and by their mistake. In fact, sometimes you are so devastated that you consider ending the relationship or you end it temporarily.  But sometimes, when you spend some time alone or you have some time to reflect, you entertain the idea that perhaps it would be worth it to explore whether the relationship can be saved.

Also, there are many more resources available today to help people transition and recover from the damage that the cheating has caused.  There was a time when people never discussed cheating or they suffered alone. That is no longer the case.  There are counselors today that specialize in helping marriages recover.  It’s no longer so taboo or frowned upon to stand up for your marriage. And couples who do recover no longer feel so alone because, frankly, they are in the majority.

And, people are starting to realize that their marriage or their romantic relationships are no one’s business but their own.  No one has the right to judge you for standing up for your marriage or trying to work it out.  It is really your decision and no one else’s.  Of course, you want to make standing up for your marriage worth it.  For me, it would not have been worth it to remain married but to be unhappy. And no one knows how content these 75 percent of couples who remain married after infidelity are. Frankly, I believe that the happiness level after infidelity is directly in proportion to how hard you work and how much useful help you obtain.

But to answer the question that this wife asked me, many couples do find a way to remain together eventually after infidelity, myself included. In fact, statistics show us that more people stay together than break up, although staying together is not always an easy process.  Healing and rebuilding that must happen.  But I can tell you that some marriages not only survive, they thrive or they even improve.  I know from experience that this wife understandably had her doubts.  I understand this also.  Nothing said she had to make a rash decision right now. She could take her time to reflect, to observe and to seek out support so that she could revisit this later.  But it might reassure her to know that infidelity does not have to mean the end of your relationship. It can certainly be a challenge that your relationship must overcome, but it doesn’t mean the end for many couples.   And her husband having one indiscretion at a time when he was obviously grieving does not mean that he will be a serial cheater.  Many men are rehabilitated and do not cheat again.

Although I wasn’t always sure it was the right call at the time, I’m glad my husband and I stayed together after his infidelity.  Our marriage not only survived but thrived.  It wasn’t always easy but it was definitely worth the effort.  If it helps, you read the whole story of our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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