Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I can’t tell you how many people have told me that their spouse doesn’t love them – and has never truly loved them – since he cheated. Even spouses who don’t believe this can have friends or family who make the same proclamation.

The thinking goes that there is no way that someone who sincerely loves you, prioritizes your well-being, and respects you in the way that a spouse should would then cheat on you.

Someone might explain, “My husband’s cheating has hurt me in ways I’ve never been hurt before. The deception and the lying have brought me to my knees. But do you know what hurts me more than anything else? The thought that it was all a lie. My husband’s claims that he had never (and could never) love anyone as he loved me were all a lie. Because you don’t cheat on someone who you genuinely love. I could never cheat on him. Because I truly love him. And I would think about him the entire time. Clearly, he was not thinking about me. Clearly, he put his own disgusting needs ahead of any love he claims he felt for me. Of course, now that he’s caught, he claims to love me more than I can possibly imagine. He quit the gym where he met her. He’s been going to counseling on his own. He canceled a vacation with his college roommate that he attends every year without fail so he could stay home and try to make this right. He insists that he wouldn’t do all of these things if he didn’t love me and want to be with me. I don’t believe him. This is only loving after the fact. If he had a real love for me, he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. Right?”

I would never disagree with any wife’s version of the truth – especially in this situation. And every husband, and every marriage, is different. So I can’t answer this question for you. But I can tell you that, over time, I have come to believe that there are people who cheat on others whom they love very much (and continue to love.) Not every cheating spouse falls into this category. But I believe that some do. I’ll explain why I think so below.

The Percentage Of Cheating Husbands Who Claim To Love Their Wives:
According to a study done by Rutgers University, 56% of surveyed cheating husbands claimed to love their wives. These men aren’t looking to leave their marriages. They’re happy in them. They will sincerely tell you that there’s nothing wrong under their roof and they believe what they’re saying. They wouldn’t hurt their wives for anything. But still, they cheat. They often cheat because of factors that have less to do with their wives and more to do with themselves or their struggles and upbringing.

I’m not making excuses for them. I believe that everyone has free will. No one is forced to cheat. No one has an affair under duress.

But I also believe that some men can compartmentalize their lives so well that when they claim their affair has nothing to do with how they feel about their wives, they believe they are telling the truth.

I’ve seen men who hang in there for months (or even years) after an affair despite their wife telling them that the marriage no longer stands a chance. I’ve seen men happily endure an endless supply of anger and coldness from their wives who can’t or won’t forgive the affair. I’ve seen husbands repeatedly humble themselves in counseling and willingly give up their own privacy and freedoms to make their wives comfortable again. If these things aren’t the product of real, enduring love, and/or a desire to remain married, what is?

That doesn’t mean that his version of love is enough. You can require other things of him. Or you can tell him that it will never be enough. But that doesn’t mean the love isn’t there or isn’t real.

Reasons Men Cheat That Have Nothing To Do With Love: There aren’t enough words to describe every possible reason that a man will cheat on the wife he loves. Some cheat because they can. Others cheat because of low self-esteem. Or addictions. Or boredom. Or curiosity. Or convenience. Some grew up in a household where cheating was the cultural norm. Some have friends or coworkers who create a culture of cheating.

No matter which of these categories a man falls into, many will loudly proclaim that the affair meant nothing. Many of them honestly planned to continue on with their regular lives as if nothing happened. Most of them didn’t anticipate their wife finding out.

Do some husbands not love their wives anymore and want out of their marriages? Yes, there is definitely a subset of men who fit into this category. But there are also men who do not.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Making Him Prove His Claims Of Love Until You’re Satisfied: For some wives, an affair is a deal-breaker, and that’s all. No amount of work, or counseling, or time is going to fix it. The wives aren’t even willing to attempt to fix it.

Other wives aren’t sure what they want. Although they may believe that no loving husband would ever cheat, they may have children to worry about. Or they may still love him or be invested in the marriage, despite their pain and disappointment.

These wives sometimes take a “wait and see” approach and then lay off what they need from their husbands to feel loved and secure again. He claims that he’ll do anything to make this up to you? Well, nothing says you can’t watch and see if that’s actually true. And if he falls short, you can define what you need that you aren’t getting. And then see if he can provide it. What’s the downside?

I’m not trying to convince you to hold onto the husband who you doubt if that isn’t what you want to do. But I am making the argument that there are men who have cheated but who love their wives. Many of them go on to repair their marriage and remain faithful.

I’ve seen it and lived it. Did I completely believe my husband’s claims that he still loved me after his affair? Definitely not. But did I wait and allow him to try to prove this to me over a period of time? I did. And he did prove it. And I don’t regret giving him one chance to do so. You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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