Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if their spouse’s affair is a personal criticism against them. Sometimes, they can not help but feel this way because their spouse has basically used their perceived shortcomings as an excuse for his cheating. And sometimes, your spouse says nothing but you assume these things anyway. You think that he cheated because there was something wrong with you or because you weren’t quite good enough.

Here’s a common scenario: “I found out last week that my husband has been cheating on me. He cheated with a woman who is the exact opposite of me. I’m very serious and well read. I consider myself intelligent. My job makes it necessary for me to use this intelligence and so my husband sees that side of me a lot. I am the main breadwinner in our family, so I feel somewhat pressured to be this way. But instead of being grateful, my husband finds fault in this. The other woman is very playful and she works at a dead end job which gives her all kinds of time to devote to my husband and cultivating her looks. He said that he cheated because he wanted more fun and spontaneity in his life. He likes that the other woman cares so much about her looks. This is so upsetting to me. I’ve never been that kind of superficial woman. I’ve always worn glasses and been brainy and my husband has always loved that about me – supposedly. Because now I’m questioning every thing that he ever told me. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I sort of want to save my marriage. Not right away. But when I think of my marriage ending for good, I feel a great sense of sadness. I fantasize that, a long time from now, we will be happy again and my husband will have realized how wrong he is. But I am not sure that this will ever happen with me as my current self. He was excited by the other woman’s looks and playfulness. I am not that type of person. I am not the type of woman who is going to downplay my intelligence and spend hours on my appearance when I have better things to do. But in a way, I feel like this is what I’d have to do to keep my husband. Is it?”

Well, I have no way of predicting what your husband might want or require in the future. But frankly, I think it is more important to ask yourself what YOU require. I am going to be honest and tell you that many women choose to make some life changes after their spouse has an affair – I did. But the changes that stick and make a difference in your life – and perhaps in your marriage – are the ones that were right and authentic in the first place. It’s my experience that any change that requires you to deny who you are isn’t a change that is going to work or is worth pursuing. Sure, you can pretend, but no one wants to pretend for the rest of their lives with the person who should love them the most.

I did not change the core of who I was. I was not going to attempt to be younger or dress in a way that didn’t make me comfortable or laugh too loud when I didn’t think things were funny in the first place. But I was willing to take inventory of things in my life that made me feel a little “less than” my best self. I didn’t always like looking at these things because it forced me outside of my comfort zone. But ultimately, the changes I made were for the better – and they would have been that way regardless of what would have happened with my marriage.  I would have chosen them even if I had chosen divorce because they were necessary.

And I think that this is the true litmus test.  I find it helpful to ask yourself if you are making a change because you can truly see that it is going to make your life better and because you want to do it for yourself. Or are you just going through the motions of doing it because you want your husband to view you and your marriage more favorably? Or because you don’t want him to cheat again? Because changes for someone else not only don’t stick, but they make you resentful.

I found it best to ask myself what changes needed to be made – for me – to improve my life. Perhaps making more time for spontaneous laughter might be an improvement in your life and would not require you to change your serious nature. Maybe doing what makes YOU feel pretty will also make you more confident without doing it for someone else. It’s all about striking that balance. Because many women do find that making small changes gives them a sense of control and power – but changing the core of who you are because someone else has made a mistake is probably not the best idea. There are ways to make it authentic and to make it balanced.

Frankly, I found that making small changes in order to feel better about myself and to boost my confidence made the healing process a little easier. I found it easier to believe that my husband still found me attractive and lovable once I believed it about myself.  But I wasn’t going to pretend for anyone. Read more if you like on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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