Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I wish I could say that every person who cheats or has an affair would own up to it immediately and take full responsibility without offering up any excuses. But this doesn’t always happen. Instead, people want to understand and then explain why they acted the way they did. After all, the faithful spouse usually wants answers. So the cheating spouse feels compelled to offer them. And one common “answer” to explain an affair is drinking or being drunk.

A faithful spouse might explain, ” My husband cheated on me with a coworker, and his excuse was that everyone at this event was drinking so he felt peer-pressured to do so. He rarely drinks. And I know for a fact that he can’t hold his liquor because I’ve seen him on the few occasions that he drinks. It isn’t pretty. He’s really a mess. Of course, knowing this, he is now saying that the drinking was a catalyst for the cheating. He claims that if he wasn’t drunk, this never would have happened. He swears that it was the one time, and it never happened again. “

“And I want to believe that, but he gets very weird when I want to talk about this or ask questions about the other woman. So I’m honestly not sure if I believe him or not. I’ve seen a couple of texts between them since I found out about the affair, but he said they were work-related. I asked that this stop because it makes me very uncomfortable, and since then, I haven’t seen it anymore. I don’t know where this leaves me. I feel a bit short-changed. He made this mistake, and now I have to live with it. But it’s as if he thinks all he needs to do is mention alcohol, and he’s totally in the clear. So, therefore, I don’t get regular healing like many wives who deal with infidelity.”

Why You Get What You Demand: I think that you are entitled to every bit of healing that you think you need or even want. Regardless of whether you agree that drinking is a valid excuse, this was still infidelity. You will still likely deal with the same anger, betrayal, self-doubt, lack of trust, and confusion that comes with any bout of cheating. Regardless of the catalyst, the consequences are the same. They should be dealt with appropriately. The reason for cheating doesn’t negate that. Nor does it mean that you need to settle for less.

What Drinking Does or Doesn’t Do:  Drinking can most definitely lower someone’s inhibitions and cloud their judgment. People can act more aggressively or freely when they are drunk. They can certainly do things that they wouldn’t normally do. That said, most people are at least aware of what they are doing on some level when they are drunk.  

Some people think that drinking only allows someone to do what was in their mind or their heart before the drinking. I don’t know if that is true, but it is hard in many cases to blame only the drinking – and not at least partially the person – for the infidelity. 

Some Things to Think About Regarding Valid Excuses for Cheating:  Determining whether drinking is an excuse you want to honor is something that only you can decide. If YOU think it is a valid excuse, then it is officially valid. You know your husband better than anyone else, and you’ve seen him when he was drinking. For myself, I chose to consider it, but I ultimately didn’t think that it alone answered for the affair. Why? Because I had a very wise therapist tell me that there is not any valid excuse for cheating because people always have choices. Of course, this is just one person’s opinion. That line of thinking may not work for you. 

At the end of the day, though, a person’s bad choices are theirs alone. Drinking doesn’t negate consequences in a court of law because the outcome is still just as damaging, even if the person in question wishes they could undo their mistake. The damage is already done. That said, your home is not a court of law. The choice really is yours, and you have to decide what feels right for you.

The Distinction Between the First Time and Multiple Times:  An important consideration might be whether this is the first time your spouse has cheated or if there has been more than one time. It is more understandable to forgive the first mistake and then hope the cheating spouse is so repentant that they will do whatever is necessary to learn their lesson, rehabilitate and become the faithful spouse that you deserve going forward.

That is a very different situation from the spouse who has now gotten drunk and cheated more than once. Obviously, the first time this happens, that is a cue that your husband can no longer drink alone and without you being present. If he chooses to do that, then he’s not making you and your marriage as high a priority as his bad decisions, and he’s showing a high likelihood that he will re-offend. 

This is different than the husband who has made a mistake once and never ever does it again or never repeats the behavior that made him vulnerable in the first place.

Regardless of my husband’s excuses for cheating, I had my own requirements for healing that I really wasn’t willing to compromise about.  I knew that if I didn’t truly heal, I could not fully participate in the marriage again, and that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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