Ever Since My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair, Sex Makes Me Feel Used
By: Katie Lerch: It’s easy to understand why having sex after your spouse has had an affair can be a very awkward experience. It can be nearly impossible to not to think about your spouse having sex with someone else. It’s impossible not to worry about comparisons as well as to worry about whether both of you are having sex because you really want to or because you feel that you should.
All of these emotions can be a factor in wives feeling used when resuming their sex life after the affair has allegedly ended. A wife might explain, “as best as I can tell, the affair has been over for about eight weeks. I caught my husband cheating, but to his credit, he did break it off immediately. I keep tabs on him all of the time. I check his emails and texts. I mostly believe that he is no longer seeing the other woman, but I still have doubts sometimes. Because he fooled me once. What is to keep him from fooling me again? We’ve been trying to work on our marriage, but we have bad days more than good days. A couple of weeks ago, we resumed having sex. My husband didn’t pressure me or anything. But I knew that he wanted to and I was also sort of scared to say no because I had concerns that if my husband wasn’t getting regular sex from me, he would go seek it somewhere else again. My husband denies this accusation and he gets angry that I would assume this, but I can’t help it. So, I’ve been having sex with him, but when I do, I kind of feel used. He’s attentive when we are being intimate. And I don’t think that he is faking it. He seems genuine. However, part of me thinks that our emotional connection has taken a hit and we could potentially no longer be in love because of this infidelity and yet, here I am still making sure that my husband gets his sex. This makes me feel incredibly used and then I end up taking it out on my husband. I haven’t been honest with him about my anger because I feel silly about this. I’ve willingly been having sex. He hasn’t actually threatened or pressured me, so I am wondering if feeling used is valid.”
Why All Feelings Are Valid: I am of the belief that anything that you are feeling is valid. As a wife who has gone through infidelity, I firmly believe that you should make no apologies for whatever you feel. Dealing with an unfaithful spouse can be incredibly painful and can, therefore, bring all sorts of conflicting and confusing feelings along with it. Please don’t beat yourself up for this. Also, please don’t bottle it in and continue to feel a lack of control and resentment. You don’t deserve this and it’s very easy to take your control back.
Why The Feeling Of Being Used Might Surface: I believe that doubt is very often the cause of these types of feelings. In the weeks and months after an affair, we often doubt that our husband actually wants to be with us or truly wants to save our marriage. We often wonder if, had he never been caught, if he’d happily be continuing on with both relationships. Therefore, you wonder if he’s just having sex with you because you are a warm body and, since he can no longer have her, at least he will have somebody. I certainly understand why these feelings surface, but I know from experience that they do nothing to serve you. Plus, you can’t substantiate these feelings so all they do is sabotage your progress.
After a lot of frustration and pain, I finally came to realize that allowing my fear to control me was doing nothing to help my progress. So I decided to only allow myself to follow worries where proof or substantial information was present. In this case, your husband is working on your marriage. Despite looking, you’ve found no evidence that he continues to see the other woman. And he is actively pursuing a physical and emotional relationship with you. Until you have further evidence, I don’t think that it pays to dwell on this. But that doesn’t mean that you should continue to have sex if it makes you in any way uncomfortable.
Options Moving Forward: Although I was actively trying to restore my marriage after my husband’s affair, sex was off the table for quite some time. I just didn’t feel comfortable with resuming it until I was absolutely sure that I could trust my husband and that our marriage could stand. Much remorse and active rehabilitation had to take place before I would even consider it. Plus, I wanted to make sure that the timing was absolutely right. So I took it off the table. Did I worry that my husband would cheat again without sex? Maybe a little. But I didn’t want to be held hostage this way and realistically, in the lifetime of our marriage, we may have times when sex is off the table because of distance, illness, or for other reasons. I want to be able to trust my husband in those circumstances. My husband understood and accepted this. When we did resume our sex life, we were able to avoid many of the problems which may have been present if we had rushed this.
I think that, at the very least, you can share your feelings with your husband. Perhaps all you need is his understanding, reassurance, and sensitivity. Or perhaps, you want to take a short break from sex until these feelings pass. The last thing you want to do is to have negative feelings associated with sex. Since it can actually help to restore feelings of intimacy, you want for it to go well, not to be a source of pain and doubt.
If there is anything that I learned from my own recovery process, it is this: It’s very important to give yourself the time and the space that you need. Feeling pressured to feel or behave in a certain way will typically only make things worse, at least that was the case for me. I learned to make no apologies when I needed time or even when I needed specific things from my husband in order to make progress. You can read more about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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