Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersh:  I think that it is fair to say that, for most wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair, the truth becomes very important.  Many of us will insist that nothing less than brutal honesty will do.  When you have been lied to about something as serious as fidelity in your marriage, you realize just how damaging any type of lie can be.

To that end, many wives will be highly upset by any lie at all – even little white ones or those that would have otherwise seemed quite harmless in the past.  One might explain: “I constantly catch my husband in little half-truths.  And it is driving me crazy.  Even I have to admit that none of these omissions are serious things. In fact, two years ago, I would not have even have given any of these things a second thought.  But now, since my husband and I are trying to recover from an affair, I understandably demand complete honesty.  The things are minor – he will say that they celebrated one person’s birthday at the office, when in fact it was someone different entirely.  He will exaggerate the cost of something.  He will tell me that he had a meeting on Tuesday when in fact it was on Wednesday.  For most of these things, he will insist that he made an honest mistake and that he wasn’t deliberately trying to deceive me.  He will ask why it is important that he exaggerated the cost of something by five dollars or misspoke about a birthday. I have tried to explain to him that it is important because a habit of little mistruths makes me wonder what else he might be stretching the truth about.  At that point, he gets angry, says that everything comes back to the affair, and tells me that no one can get everything accurate 100 percent of the time. He asked me to examine everything I say over the course of a day and then he predicted that I will find myself surprised at how much I innocently ‘slip up.’ Well, I tried that experiment.  And frankly, the vast majority of the time, I was accurate on everything.  Which makes me worry that I am inherently an honest person while my husband is not.  To be fair, I didn’t used to think of him as a dishonest person.  In the past, I would have chalked this up to my husband not being a particularly observing or exact person.  He misses things.  He’s not always paying the closest attention.  But since he has deceived me about something as big as our marriage, I can’t seem to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore.  I look for fault and deception everywhere. I am wondering if I need to stop this or if he needs to start telling the complete truth.  If so, how do I stop?  I have become so suspicious that it is a little unsettling.”

Understanding The Reasons And Consequences Behind Your Actions: I understand why you feel the way that you do.  What you are experiencing is extremely common.  You’re afraid that he will cheat again and so you are always on the look out for deception.  The upside to this is that it can make you feel as though you are less likely to be caught off guard again.  But the down side to this is that sometimes, you will see trouble where none exists.  And you will feel paranoid, while your husband will feel frustrated.

This can get better in time.  As you come to see that nothing catastrophic is happening, you can begin to relax.  However, there is no sense in being uncomfortable and suspicious if a little compromise might make this better.  I think that if both of you give just a little, this situation may improve some.

Effectively Addressing The Issue: I know that it’s very tempting to get accusatory and to start peppering him with questions when you believe that you’ve caught him in a lie or an omission, but I think it can help to pause for just a second and then to say something like: “listen, I know that this seems very petty and nit-picky to you.  But considering what we have been through because of deception, I am going to ask you to think and to be very specific.  I think that this need for precision on my part might change and improve some as we heal, but right now, it makes sense to make sure we do everything possible to restore the trust.  When you tell me something that isn’t completely and totally true, it makes it hard for me to trust you completely.  Admittedly, I am overly suspicious because of what I have been through, but I think that this is understandable.  It may seem as you are having to overcompensate for a while, but I think that it is reasonable of me to ask this of you.  Please just make sure when you tell me something, it is accurate to the best of your ability. In turn, I will try not to look for untruths when they aren’t there. Right now, the truth is vitally important to me.  I think that you understand why.  So let’s work hard not to let this issue continue to come between us.  Can we agree on that?

If you both try to give a little, I hope that you will see some improvement in this issue.  Restoring the trust is one of the hardest issues to overcome.  But it is also the most important issue to conquer because it is no fun constantly thinking that he is lying to you and him constantly feeling as if you are always waiting to catch him in a lie.

I was suspicious of my husband quite a lot after the affair.  I accused him of lying when he wasn’t.  I found that healing our marriage was the most effective way to deal with the perceived lies.  Once I began to trust again, I was no longer looking for any little slip.  I worried that relaxing on that count might mean that I would be caught unaware again, but that didn’t happen.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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