Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It is very common for spouses struggling after an affair to feel as if they are still living in turmoil for a long time after they’d hoped that they would be fine. You often give yourself a specific time limit in which to move on. But very often, that time is reached and passed and you can, at times, still feel very much in limbo. Even if you know that you have made progress or have been able to save your marriage, you still may not be totally at peace with the situation and you aren’t quite sure why.

Someone might say, “my husband’s affair was well over a year ago. For the most part, we made it. We are still married and I believe that we are doing okay. My husband did most of what I asked of him. Our marriage feels stable and solid for the most part. However, on some days, something or someone will remind me of the affair and I will sometimes feel rage come up or even some anxiety and uncertainty. When I am reminded of the affair (and this happens far too often) I find myself ruminating about it. I find myself admitting that I am not okay about it. And that I am not at peace. Will I always have to struggle with this? ”

I can tell you that I don’t think about my husband’s affair all that much anymore. But I certainly can’t claim that I never do. Certain dates or places will bring back memories. However, for the most part, these issues pass quickly and I don’t ruminate nearly as much as I used to. I believe that there are several reasons for my ability to find peace after the affair, which I will discuss below.

1. Know That You Are Not At Fault Or To Blame: One of the first steps toward my coming to peace with the affair was understanding that I was not the one who made the choice to cheat. This was my husband’s doing all the way. Sure, we did not have a perfect marriage, but we had a really decent one. And even if our marriage was horrible (which it wasn’t) that is no excuse. So I was able the remove myself from any self-blame. I knew that this wasn’t on me and that I wasn’t part of the equation, which helped me to be more objective.

2. Do The Work To Understand The Motivations Behind This: I believe that you can’t move on from an affair until you believe that you are not going to have to repeat this healing process. If you are always wondering or worrying that he is going to cheat again, then you honestly can never move forward. Being about to progress means that you understand why he cheated and you know that you’ve taken sound steps to ensure that all of the contributing factors are removed. It also helps to know that you’ve improved your communication so that if he is ever tempted, he will talk to you before he takes action. Knowing these safeguards are in place means that you don’t have constantly worry about this. So you can turn your attention to other things.

3. Have Confidence In Yourself To Handle Whatever Comes: Honestly, this is one of the biggest variables but it is one that is often overlooked. You can’t have peace if you are always afraid. I learned to challenge my dark thinking. I would think to myself “I know he’s going to cheat again.” And then I would challenge myself with, “well what if he did?” After working really hard on building myself up, I was able to say, “I would be fine because I know that I can depend on myself.” Once you get to this place, there is no need to constantly dwell on the negative. There is no need to borrow worry. Because you know that if the worst happens, you are competent enough to handle it.

4. No One Can Knows What Tomorrow Brings. Much Is Out Of Our Hands: Continuing on with the topic of buying worry, it doesn’t make sense to dwell on the future when you alone can not control it. Since there are two people in a marriage, trying to control every single aspect of it is going to be frustrating. Control what you can. But know that it’s possible that in five years, life may deal you another issue that needs your attention. You may be surprised to find that tomorrow, the affair isn’t on your radar as much as you feared.

5. Control What You Can: I know that I’ve just said that much about the future is outside of your control. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t attempt to get a handle on the issues that are within your control. You can certainly strengthen your marriage, improve your communication and negotiating skills, work on yourself, and focus on intimacy. The truth is, when you have a strong marriage, it is much easier to have faith in that and to let go of all of the worries. Knowing that you have done all you can means that you can step back and know that however it plays out, you did your part as well as you could have.

6. Know That Adversity Makes You Stronger: In the same vein as knowing you can handle whatever comes your way, making peace with adversity allows you to stop holding on so tightly. If you accept that hardships are inevitably going to come your way, also accept that many of them will be to your benefit because they will make you stronger and have important lessons to teach you. Looking at things in this light allows you to drop some of the dread.

7. Tell Yourself That This Too Shall Pass: I know that when you are still in pain about the affair, you think that this pain is going to be your constant companion. Most people would tell you that in time, it does get better. Humans have a way of dropping issues when they become too burdensome and when they repeatedly hold your back. After a while, you get very tired of always being afraid and on edge. It feels so much better to drop all of this baggage and tell yourself whatever will be will be. You will deal with issues as they come up, but you will enjoy yourself in the meantime.

When you spend all of your time worrying about tomorrow, you can not enjoy yourself today.  I learned that the hard way.  I have made my marriage as good as it can be and I enjoy every minute of it.  I am not going to rob myself of that pleasure by worrying about a tomorrow that may never come. It took me a long time to get here, but it feels fabulous.  You can read more about my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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