Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One big worry for many wives who are trying to recover from their husband’s affair is how often he spends thinking about (or longing for) the affair and the other woman. Yes, most husbands will proclaim that the affair is 100% percent over. He may even claim that he wants to move on completely and immediately. But most wives have doubts that he will be able to turn it off in this way. Many wives can’t help but notice a troubling, faraway look in their husbands’ eyes, and many worry that this look means that he’s thinking about the affair.

A wife might say, “My husband denies that he ever thinks about the woman that he had an affair with. He claims that as soon as I found out about it, he immediately shut everything associated with it down. I do believe that he ended things. But just because he’s no longer physically involved, this does not necessarily mean that he is not emotionally involved in his own thoughts and in his own heart. He denies this, of course. But occasionally, I’ll catch him looking into space, and when I try to get his attention, he’s in a bit of a daze. I suspect that this is him thinking back on the other woman and the affair. This isn’t an infrequent occurrence, either. When I confront him about it, he will claim he’s thinking about work. But honestly, he’s never thought about work so much in his life. I’ve seen a few of their exchanges. And he claimed to have real feelings. So how could he not be thinking about her now? I am sure he is, and some of my friends say that I have to expect this because things are still very fresh. Assuming that I could accept that, how long will this last? How long do men think about the affair or the other woman after the affair is over?”

I wish I had an exact answer for you. I wish I could say that this would last for three weeks or one and a half months. But I can’t tell you that. Because the answer very much depends upon many varying factors, which I’ll discuss below.

Do Not Assume That A Husband’s Thoughts About The Affair Are Always Positive Or Nostalgic: I can’t tell you that it is very unlikely that your husband ever remembers aspects of the affair. This is a major event in both of your lives and in your marriage. So it’s likely something that is on both of your minds. That’s just normal human nature.

But it’s very common for wives to assume that when their husband thinks about the affair, he thinks about it longingly. We’ll assume that he is wishing things were different, or that he’d never gotten caught. We fear that he is replaying good memories, and wishing that it would never have ended.

It’s just as likely that he’s ruminating over what a huge mess he made, and how he is ever going to make things up to you. He may even feel some remorse for getting other people involved in his problems.

Here’s something that is very important to consider: When negative consequences come out of any interaction, one tends to ultimately view that interaction negatively. So yes, he may be thinking about the affair, but he may also be thinking about how much he regrets it.

I can’t claim that this is always the case. There are certainly husbands who still feel some tenderness or nostalgia for the other woman. But I think that it can be a mistake to assume that every husband is going to fit into this category.

Be Careful About How Much You Turn His Attention Back To The Affair: It is very normal and understandable to want to gain every bit of information that you can get about the other woman and the affair. You want to know what you are up against and you want information that is going to help you identify similar issues in the future.

You have every right to this information. Unfortunately, not every husband gives it freely. So it’s common to get into a cycle where you’re constantly bringing up the affair. Unfortunately, it can become a very regularly (and tiresome) topic of conversation. Therefore, it can become difficult for your husband to stop thinking about the affair because it comes up constantly.

I am NOT saying that you don’t have every right to repeatedly discuss the issues surrounding the affair. You need to. There is no way around this. But there is a difference between discussing it and ruminating over it or going round and round in circles over the same, unfinished topics.

That is why it is helpful to agree to a regular time to discuss these topics. A standing counseling appointment can work. So can setting aside a couple of evenings a week. You want to get a resolution and then move on to the next topic that’s bothering you. Circling back over and over again is very common. But it does so much more harm than good and it can actually encourage BOTH of you to think about the affair more than is healthy. It should not be the only topic of conversation or thought. You deserve to have a life outside of this, no matter what happens with your husband.

Moving Forward Helps With Rumination On Both Sides: It takes time to move on from an affair. There is no denying this. I don’t think that there are any healthy shortcuts or ways to skip the work that needs to be done. So you should take your time with healing and take as long as you need to turn the corner.

With that said, it is very common to get stuck in a cycle of rumination where you just cannot move on. This actually makes it more likely that your husband (and you) will look back and not forward. As soon as you have the information and the tools that you need to heal, make moving forward (even if it’s slowly) a very high priority because doing so makes it much more likely that there is no reason for either you or your husband to look backward.

In summary, yes, your husband may think about the affair when the discovery of it is fresh. But this doesn’t always mean that he’s thinking about it with longing. You can lessen the time that you are vulnerable to this by moving forward as you are able. Ruminating isn’t good for either of you, so be careful that you are not creating an environment that encourages him to repeatedly look back.

Believe me, I’m not trying to minimize your worries.  I understand them.  I have had them.  But, I also know that getting caught in an endless cycle of assuming the very worst just prolongs your pain.  Moving on may seem impossible now, but if you can get there, it feels so much better than moving in a circle of constant worry. You can read about how I was finally able to get there at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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