For How Long Is It Ok To Talk About The Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: It’s very normal to have many conversations about your spouse’s affair over a long period of time. Many people feel that it is their right to ask as many questions as they want for as long as they want. As a woman who has gone through this, I tend to agree. However, I also know from experience that if this endless conversation goes on indefinitely without any resolution, then it can damage your marriage as much as the affair. So what is the time frame in which it’s still healthy to talk about the affair? I’ll try to answer this question in the following article.
Someone might express this sentiment: “I admit that I still want to talk about the affair months after its end. I still don’t understand how and why it happened. I still don’t understand what he saw in her and why he would let a stranger threaten what we have. So yes, I still ask questions and they are questions that my husband has already answered. And my husband is losing his patience with this and is starting to get angry with me. When is it still OK to keep talking about the affair?”
I have two different answers to this question and I just can not help it because I have been there myself. If you asked me this question and I just answered it from heart, I’d tell you that it’s OK to keep asking until you have the answers that meet with your satisfaction. However, also from experience, I know that you may never get an answer that completely satisfies you. And I know that continuing to ask a question that has already been repeatedly asked and answered puts your marriage at risk at a time when it has already been damaged. I don’t think that there is a set time period or window of time when you can safely ask about the affair. But I do think that it is important to be aware that there is a point where you have all of the information that is available and yet you are continuing to ask. Below, I’ll offer some tips meant to help you get over the hump so that you can start healing and stop ruminating.
Ask Yourself Why You Feel The Need To Keep Questioning Your Husband: When I bring up this issue, many wives will answer with something like: “well I keep asking him because I have a right to know everything possible about the affair.” I totally get this, but my follow up question would be: “what do you think that you don’t already know?”
See, I believe that we keep asking because, even after a long period of time, we still just don’t get how and why he would do this. Unfortunately though, I have to gently tell you that you might never completely and one hundred percent understand it. Once you accept this, then it is easier to tone down the questions. And for me, after a while, I began to realize that continuing to ask while getting half – answers was really not bringing me any relief. Oh, I thought that it would. But I watched this cycle of questioning and answering happen over and over again with the same result. And I became aware that it wasn’t helping.
Now, if you legitimately have something that you do not know or do not understand, there is nothing wrong with asking for clarification. I think it helps to really ask yourself point blank what you are truly wishing for. Do you still not understand his motivations? Do you still think that he is not telling you everything? Do you think he is leaving out something that is vital to the order of events? It’s important to pin this down because if you can, then you can ask more pointed questions, meant to tell you what you really and truly want to know instead of just general questions where, let’s face it, you are really just fishing. Or, you asking in an attempt to pick a fight with your husband or to embarrass him or make him feel more guilty? Because make no mistake about it. As much as you have a right to ask and a right to know, you want to make sure that you are not just picking at the scab.
If You Are Asking The Same Questions Over And Over, Consider That It Might Be Time For Professional Help: If you can objectively look at this situation and see that you really aren’t getting anywhere and you can very distinctly tell that the questions are damaging your marriage, then it makes sense to consider that perhaps a neutral third party can help you to navigate this. A good counselor can help you to get the answers that you need and your spouse can be annoyed at the counselor instead of being annoyed by you. If your spouse is giving incomplete or elusive answers, then a good counselor will ask for clarification in a way that helps and doesn’t hurt.
It doesn’t make sense to keep picking the scab and to keep coming at the same problem in the same inefficient and hurtful ways. I will always defend your right to the truth and to everything that you want to know, but I also know there comes a point when repeatedly seeking this hurts you instead of helps you, which is why I think there is a more efficient way to seek out information.
I know that not every one embraces counseling, but at least pursue self help that can help you to look at this with fresh eyes. Because any sort of repetitive pattern is telling you that there is something that still needs work. You can read about some things that helped me on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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