Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Often when we find out our spouse or significant other has been cheating, we expect an apology right away. Most of us believe that it’s obvious who is at fault in this situation and that is the person who cheated. And, as a result, he is the one who should be expected to give an immediate and sincere apology.

But when this apology never comes, there can be a question as to what happens then. Do you wait for one? And if so, for how long?

A wife might explain: “I will not pretend that I had a perfect marriage before my husband had an affair. We did not. Much of it was my fault. I have never denied this. However, we’ve had problems that have stemmed from my husband also and I did not and would not cheat on him. The fact that he cheated on me at the first sign of trouble in our marriage makes me furious. And I expected him to apologize right away. I certainly would have. But he didn’t. He got angry at me for catching him and since then he hasn’t had much to say. I discussed this with his brother and he said that he believes that my husband is genuinely sorry, but that he is just embarrassed. He says that if I wait, he is sure that I will get an apology eventually. But, how long should I have to wait for him to say that he is sorry?”

Actions Are Most Important, But It’s Normal To Want To Hear The Words: I’m certainly not an expert in this, but I don’t think there are any rules or guidelines about it. Because it’s up to you to decide what is reasonable. I’d want to KNOW that he is sorry and I’d certainly want a formal and verbal apology sooner rather than later. But I also think that actions are always much more important than words in this situation. There are many husbands who issue pat apologies immediately but then who go on and act like anything but a remorseful husband who truly wants to make things right. And then there are men who don’t say much but whose actions speak loud and clear and indicate that this man truly is sorry and is serious about saving his marriage because he’s showing his wife his remorse with his attention with his actions.

If you are seeing a counselor already, then I’d suggest bringing up this issue with her (or him if you have a male counselor.) She can help explore why you haven’t received an apology and, as a result, you may get what you want. Or, you can just ask him directly with a conversation like: “I can’t help but notice that you have yet to say that you are sorry for the affair. This shocks me because if I were the one who cheated, I would have immediately expressed my regret and I would have gone out of my way with my actions to show you how sorry I was. And yet, you haven’t said anything like that to me. This makes me question whether you are truly sorry at all. I can’t read your mind. I don’t know what you feel if you don’t tell me.”

At this point, he may tell you he is sorry. Or, if he has been posturing, he may keep it up. What I mean by posturing is that it’s common for cheating spouses to act indignant and angry after they are caught because they are trying to set the tone going forward. They don’t want to pay a high price for this or to have you bring it up all the time. So, with their behavior (or lack of it,) they are trying to shut you down before you even get started.

This doesn’t mean that they aren’t sorry. It’s very common and it just means that they are trying to make things easier on themselves. Sometimes, you just have to let them know that they aren’t going to be successful with this strategy and they will sometimes just drop it. But many of them try posturing first.

When Posturing Comes Into Play: And, your husband’s brother could be right. He could be embarrassed and ashamed and therefore not sure how to express himself. However, if you feel you deserve or want an apology (and I’d certainly agree that you do,) there is nothing wrong with asking for it. I feel it’s better to ask than to sit around and wonder and then to feel angry because you aren’t getting it. Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is and as unfair as it seems at the time, we have to ask our spouse for what we need if we truly want to get it.

He can’t read our minds and he often feels that he is already walking on eggshells, which can make him scared to take the initiative.  Or, he may be grappling with all sorts of feelings which he isn’t sure how to act on. Sometimes, he is waiting for more feedback from you.

It is quite an adjustment to learn how to ask for what you need.  But what better time than now?  You deserve an apology and in order to heal, you will need some things from him.  If he’s not giving them to you, then it never hurts to ask.  There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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