Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

It’s common to struggle mentally after finding out that your spouse has been cheating or having an affair. Some (like myself) become depressed and stagnant. I’ve had women tell me that they struggle to get out of bed, complete their day-to-day activities, or practice any form of self-care.

I’ll hear comments like, “I’ve never struggled with my mental health as much as I am right now, and I have been through some dark days. But nothing compares to how I feel right now after finding out my husband has been cheating on me. There have been some weekends when I haven’t even bothered to get out of bed. There have been times when I’ve allowed my kids to play videos or watch movies all day because I didn’t have the energy to deal with them. I haven’t worked out in weeks. My house is a mess. I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. My friends tell me that they are concerned about me. Frankly, I am concerned about myself.”

I will offer some tips that helped when I struggled similarly after my own husband’s affair. However, before I do that, I have to stress that I encourage everyone to consider counseling. Sometimes, you just need it and there is no substitute for it. With that said, here are some tricks that helped move my inertia, stagnation, and depression, after my husband’s affair.

Understand That Self-Care Should Be An Essential Right Now: I felt so horrible in the days and weeks after I found out about the affair, that I told myself I could only handle essential tasks. I HAD to do things like drive the kids to school, perform adequately at my job and show up for other obligations that I had. But I didn’t think that I needed to allocate any “extras” to myself because I just didn’t have the time and energy for that. I now realize that I was very wrong about this. And it wasn’t until I did learn to prioritize myself that I began to feel better.

Define “The Bare Minimums” of Self-Care and Stick With Them: Everyone knows that they have to maintain the essentials that I have listed above: family, job, obligations, etc. But, commit to what will be your bare minimum for self-care and necessary routines. Of course, you can do extra if you happen to feel well. But, even at your worst, make a promise to yourself that you will always maintain the bare minimum. Here is what that looked like for me: shower, wear basic make-up (at least foundation and blush,) take a daily walk (even if only a short one,) eat at least one healthy meal, keep the house picked up (if not entirely clean,) and try to maintain regular sleep and wake schedules. I found that by maintaining my bare minimums, I didn’t allow myself to fall so far outside of my regular routine that I sunk even lower. For me, routines are everything. They offer stability and a rhythm to your life. I knew that without them, I would have been truly lost.

Use The “Just Five Minutes Rule:” I completely understand that it is very hard to do those “shoulds” that are staring at you when you don’t really care about them because you’re struggling after the affair. However, after a while, things begin to pile up, and this only adds to your feelings of helplessness. So it is important to at least try to keep up with things. I learned that I could trick myself into getting moving by using the “just five minutes rule.” Here is an example. I’d be faced with a mountain of laundry that I hadn’t put away. I really didn’t feel like doing it, but having to look at it all of the time was pretty draining. So I’d tell myself, “Ok, I’ll put away the laundry for five minutes because that’s about all I can do.” Sometimes, I would literally put on my phone’s timer for five minutes and do only that. Other times, I would finish the task even if it went over five minutes and I’d feel better.

“Just One Thing:” Another little mind trick you can try is the “just one thing” per day mantra. Again, self-care was very hard for me. However, intellectually, I knew that it was good for me and that it might just be the key to feeling better. So I’d tell myself that I would do “just one thing” extra – just for me. I made sure it never took very long. Some days, it would be the space to write in a journal. Other days, I might stop at a grocery store on the way home and brought myself a single flower or bakery treat. But I tried to be kind to myself once per day. I didn’t always succeed. But it helped to know that I mattered enough to make the effort for myself.

I understand that this is a very difficult time and I know it’s easy to feel as if you are buried underneath tasks for which you don’t have the energy or time. Some days, I felt outraged that the world just kept going during my family’s personal crisis, but that is just the way life works. Mind hacks like “only five minutes,” “just one thing,” or “the bare minimum” can keep you moving forward and maintaining important routines and obligations even when it is very difficult. We don’t realize how important these things are until they are gone. So, do not give them up! Use these little mind tricks to keep them at all costs. If it helps, you can read about my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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