Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If you had told me years ago that I would stay with a husband who cheated on me, I probably would’ve looked at you like you had three heads. I used to believe that infidelity was an automatic deal-breaker. I used to believe that if someone cheated, they didn’t deserve another chance – especially a husband with whom I have invested years.

But then, I lived it. I never ever thought that I would live it. But, unfortunately, I did. And when you’re living it — when you’re waking up in the same house as a husband whose betrayal still feels like a gut punch the reality becomes a lot more complicated. Because it’s not just about the two of you. It’s about extended family. It’s about the life you built. It’s about your future.

Love doesn’t just shut off. Shared history doesn’t just disappear. The life you’ve built together doesn’t suddenly stop meaning anything. You built it. Believe me, it is hard to just walk away. So you consider staying. You don’t know if you can ever do it. You may even make him stay away for a while (I did.) But even if you flirt with ending things, you might always keep a toe dipped in the marital waters. Because closing the door feels too final, and it feels like you lost the battle. At least it did for me.  

Despite my anger, fury, confusion, and struggle, somewhere deep down, I was still invested. Sometimes reluctantly. But I still was. So I stayed (albeit reluctantly at times.)

And today, I want to talk honestly about what healing actually looks like — because it’s not always the tidy, inspirational story we wish it was.

Healing Can Be A Non-Linear Mess: One day, you might feel like you have actually made a little progress. You might feel almost normal – almost. You’ll find yourself laughing at a joke, lost in a moment, and think, Maybe I’m finally starting to feel a little better about all of this.

Then the next day — or even the next hour — you can be triggered by something completely unexpected. A look on his face. A feeling in your gut. A song. A TV show. A random comment from a friend or family member. And suddenly, it feels like you’re back at square one.

I used to beat myself up about that. I became furious at myself that I could so easily be pushed off the progress I’d fought so hard for. Did this make me weak? Did it mean I wasn’t working hard enough? That I didn’t believe enough? That I didn’t want it enough? That my husband was doing something wrong?

Nope. It meant that I am human. And so is my husband. Healing after infidelity is like the tide: it ebbs and flows. Expect good days and bad days, sometimes back to back. Even when you start to feel secure, there is always something that can knock you back down – at least for a while. (But not forever.)

Healing Means Redefining Emotional Safety: One of the hardest parts of healing and taking my power back was realizing that safety — emotional safety, relationship safety — had been shattered and needed to be fully rebuilt. I used to believe that my marriage was a safe haven. When he cheated, it became a sort of uncertain hell.

Part of healing was learning to rebuild that sense of safety — not just in him, but also in myself. Because here’s the truth: if you rely only on your partner to make you feel safe again, you’re setting yourself up for more pain. In truth, you cannot totally depend on anyone but yourself. Once you accept that, it’s harder to knock you off your feet.

I had to learn to trust my own instincts. I had to learn that I could survive even if my worst fear came true again. That made me stronger — and oddly enough, it made the relationship stronger too.

Healing Looks Different for Everyone. There Is No Perfect Way: Some people want and demand constant reassurance. Some need extensive therapy. Some create an entirely new marriage.

I prioritized being honest even when it was uncomfortable, choosing to sit with my pain instead of denying it and settling for progress, not perfection.

I also allowed myself to grieve. This isn’t wallowing. It’s just realistic. It’s just being honest about how you feel and what you lost.

Healing Means Understanding (But Not Excusing:) At some point, I had to ask myself: Do I need to understand why he cheated? The answer was yes — but not in the way I first thought. Understanding doesn’t mean condoning. It doesn’t mean saying, “It’s okay. I totally excuse you.”

I’d never do or say that. But understanding does mean that infidelity usually grows in the dark corners of a relationship where needs aren’t being voiced, where resentments fester, or where personal struggles left unshared become motivating factors.

The cheater is usually struggling in some way, but instead of voicing that, they solve their problem in the most unfortunate way. Understanding gave me clarity — but it also reinforced my boundaries. I understood, but I also made it very clear: This can never happen again. And there is no excuse for it whatsoever.

Healing Is Choosing Each Other, Despite It All: One thing people don’t always get is that healing after betrayal isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a daily one. Each day, I had a choice to make. And so did he. He had to choose transparency and patience. We both had to choose humility and willingness, again and again. Sometimes, those choices were easier than others. But over time, the good days started to outnumber the bad.

What I Want You To Know: If you’re staying after infidelity, know this: you’re not foolish. You’re not weak. You are fighting for something that’s still important to you for whatever personal reason. And that’s valid and brave.

Healing isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about facing it head-on, feeling every messy, painful emotions, and still choosing to move forward — on your own terms.

Your healing journey will look different than mine. And that’s okay. As long as it gives you peace in the end. You can read about my healing journey and how I ended up with my marriage intact at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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