Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I get why this feels suspicious. I really do. It sounds like a cop-out. Like something someone would say to avoid the hard stuff. But in some cases? I actually believe it is possible.

Sometimes, men don’t fully understand what led them to cheat. That doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for it. And it certainly doesn’t mean they get a free pass. But not everyone is super self-aware or able to explain their actions clearly—especially when they’re reacting to feelings they’ve been avoiding for a long time.

In fact, some men cheat as a way of escaping emotions they don’t want to face. They might feel angry, disconnected, resentful, insecure, or even depressed—and not fully realize it. And rather than talk it through or even sit with it, they push those feelings down. They pretend they’re fine. Until suddenly, they’re not.

Cheating can be one of those impulsive, self-destructive responses to feelings they’ve buried so deep they barely know they’re there. When that happens, it can feel, to them, like it came out of nowhere.

Now, again, I’m not saying that’s okay. I’m not saying you have to just accept it. But it does help explain how someone who seems like a decent, loving spouse can do something so wildly out of character—and then sit there, dumbfounded, when asked to explain it.

Can He Really Love You and Still Cheat?: This is the second question I get all the time. And again—while I can’t speak for every man out there—I’ll say this: yes, I think it’s possible.

Love doesn’t always stop people from making huge mistakes. I’ve heard from countless husbands who were devastated after an affair—not because they were caught, but because they realized how much they’d risked. Many of them did love their wives. And many of them didn’t want to leave.

So if your husband says he loves you and didn’t cheat because he fell out of love, he might be telling the truth. Sometimes cheating has less to do with you and more to do with him. His self-worth. His stress. His need for validation or escape. None of that excuses what he did, but it might help explain why someone who does love you still did something that broke your heart.

The Reasons Men Cheat Can Be Complicated (And Vary Widely): It would be easier if there were a single, straightforward answer. But there isn’t. Some men cheat because they’re unhappy in their marriage. Others cheat even when things at home are good. Some do it because they’re overwhelmed, others because they feel ignored, and some because of nothing more than poor impulse control and an opportunity that presented itself.

And yes—sometimes there is a deeper issue. One that they haven’t processed. One that might only come out with counseling or self-reflection. That’s why I often tell wives: if you keep hearing “I don’t know,” it might not mean he’s lying. But it could mean he hasn’t done the work to find out yet.

And that matters—because if he doesn’t figure out what led to the affair, it’s hard to know whether it will happen again.

What Now? What Should You Do Next?: First, know this: you are absolutely right to want answers. You’re not overreacting. You’re not being unreasonable. You’re trying to protect yourself—and your relationship—and that makes perfect sense.

If he truly doesn’t know why he cheated, that doesn’t mean the conversation stops there. It just means it might be the starting point, not the end.

Encourage counseling if it’s something you are both open to—both for him individually and for you as a couple. If not, there is some excellent self-help. And I used some of it.

And while he does that work, you can focus on your own healing. You can love someone and still protect yourself. You can grieve what happened and still hope for something better.

I’ve been there myself. I know how impossible it feels at first. But I also know how much clarity and strength can come with time, effort, and the right support. Today, my marriage is stronger than I ever thought it could be. But not because we swept it all under the rug. We faced it—one hard truth at a time.

If you want to read more about how I got through it, you can check out my personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

Just remember: you’re not alone. And no matter what he says—or doesn’t say—you get to decide what happens next.

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