Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who was struggling to move past her husband’s affair. He’d had an affair with a neighbor which had ended about eight months ago. Although the wife was very clear on the fact that she wanted to save her marriage for the benefit of her family, she sometimes struggled to move on. She was making a very conscious effort to keep moving forward, but her husband didn’t think her progress was happening fast enough.

She told me, in part: “My husband keeps saying things like ‘why can’t we just put the affair behind us and move on with our lives? Why do we have to rehash this all of the time? Are we going to live the rest of our lives in the past?'”

The wife said she did want to put the affair behind her, but she was having trouble doing so. She just wanted her husband to have some patience and to work with her rather than pressuring her. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips and insights that might help this situation.

Truly Putting An Affair Behind You Often Requires Time, Rehabilitation, And Healing: The husband in this situation obviously was not seeing things from the wife’s point of view. He just wanted this whole thing to be over because every time it kept coming up, he felt guilty and more attention was drawn to his mistake. (Although to be fair, many husbands in this situation sincerely want their wives to be able to move on from their pain.)

But, whatever the reason for this husband’s lack of patience, he obviously thought it would be in his best interest to gloss over everything and encourage his wife to put this behind her. This doesn’t necessarily mean that her husband was a bad guy. Many husbands feel this way and take this same approach. Sometimes, if you can make them understand that this is hurting rather than helping you, they will back off.

They need to understand that if you’re forced to put this behind you before you’ve been given the tools to do so, you run the risk of the doubt, insecurities, and resentments continuing to rear their ugly heads every time the marriage is under stress. It’s important that your husband understands that by fully addressing the issues and damage that the affair has caused, he makes things easier for both of you in the future.

You really can’t be expected to “just put the affair behind you” if you aren’t given the tools to do so. This is a large and hurtful blow. You’ll often need some help working through this, understanding why this has happened, building yourself back up, and safeguarding your marriage to ensure that it doesn’t happen to you again so that you aren’t always fearful and suspicious. It’s important that your husband understands that seeing that you get these tools is really very much in his best interest.

Rather than pressuring you to move on before you are ready and running the risk that the wounds are still lying in wait and risking your marriage, it’s so much better to buckle down, accept that this is a process, and then commit to working with you so that you both have what you need to move on with confidence and in a healthy and meaningful way.

When You Feel Like You Should Be Able To Put This Behind You, But Just Can’t Seem To Do It: I often hear from wives who say things like “Enough time has gone by after his affair that I should be able to put this behind me and move on, but I just can’t seem to do it. Sometimes, things do seem better and I feel as though I’m on my way to making progress. But out of nowhere, a memory or doubt will come back and suddenly I’m filled with anger and bitterness again. This frustrates me because my husband has kept up his end of the bargain and has been remorseful and patient. Why can’t I keep up mine?”

I often tell these wives that they shouldn’t beat themselves up in this way. They are dealing with this as best as they can and there’s no time frame for moving on. It can be normal to have some setbacks and frustrations. However, I often tell wives that if they truly feel like they should be further along, they may want to take an honest look around to see if their needs are being met and their doubts are being addressed.

Sometimes, the husband not being totally accountable, reassuring, forthcoming, or (without being aware of it or meaning to) is not providing something that the wife needs but is reluctant to ask for it. If this is the case, you’ll often need to finally address this before it will go away.

Another place that I often suggest you look is your self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s totally normal for it to take a hit after an affair. And, if you’re still doubting yourself, your own attractiveness, or your ability to recover, this can sometimes thwart your progress or your ability to move on. If any of these things ring a bell for you, make no apologies for asking for or securing what you need to truly move on and put this behind you. Because no one deserves this to follow them around for any longer than it needs to.