Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

For wives who don’t intimately know the woman with whom your husband had an affair, her image lives only in your mind. If you’ve never actually seen her, even better. You are free to picture her as homely, annoying, or lacking in some other way. Or, you may fear the worst. You may assume that she is younger, prettier, thinner, or more intelligent than you. Either way, you likely have an image that isn’t reality – until you find yourself in a situation where you are going to have to see her after all.

If you are reading this article, I am going to assume that you are in a situation that you absolutely cannot escape. And you have at least some certainty that she will also attend. At that point, you know that you’ll need to come up with a way to approach this situation and you will have to let at least part of your mental picture go.

Someone might say, “I am freaking out. I have to attend the wedding of a family member. And my husband confessed to me that he is certain that the woman he cheated with is married to a relative of the groom. He swears that he has not spoken with or communicated with her in any way. So he can’t be 100% sure that she is coming. However, since she is a family member just like us, there is a very good chance that she too has to go to this event. So I will probably have to see her. I have looked her up on social media so I have a general idea of what she looks like. However, I have limited my exposure to her image. I already have a hard time with not thinking about her and the affair all of the time. So if I put a bunch of images of her in my mind, I will only make things harder for myself. At the same time, I can’t bail on this wedding. I can’t punish my family because of my own personal drama. But I am suffering from severe anxiety because of this. I don’t want to face her. I don’t want her judging me. I don’t want her to see my husband. How am I going to handle this?”

I will do my best here. But I am not a therapist and if you think you need to speak to one, please do. I can understand why you do not want to cancel out of the wedding. However, I can also understand your stress. I think the best thing that you can do is try to regain as much control as you. In my own experience with this, it is the unknown that is the biggest variable for anxiety.

Being Very Clear About Your Intentions And Expectations: I would recommend being clear about your wishes now. How close are you to the mother of the bride? Does she know about the affair and your struggles? If so, you want to ask that you are seated nowhere near the other woman or her husband.

Then, you want to make sure your husband understands that you expect him to protectively and attentively stay by your side at all times. He is not to look at, speak with, or give her any opportunity to engage in any way whatsoever. It is important that he understands and agrees with this. If you know that he is going to act like the attentive, loving husband that you deserve, this will alleviate some of your dread.

Finally, you need to think about your desired intention. Ideally, you want to be in a good place and actively healing. If the other woman is vindictive, prideful, or even wistful, what she wants is to see you unsure of yourself, or your marriage, or struggling with either of these things. That is why you must not give her the satisfaction of even the slightest suggestion of either.

Boost Your Confidence As Much As Possible: Make absolutely sure that you look and feel your best. Spare no expense. You deserve to feel and project confidence. Then, once you are at the wedding, do your best to remember why you are there – to enjoy the wonderful, once-in-a-lifetime special day of your family member. Try very hard to be present for that event and for that event only.

You know in your heart that focusing on her is bad for your mental health. Therefore, don’t engage in that behavior at the wedding. Do not look at her or her husband. It’s easy to tell yourself that you will glance her way in order to avoid her. But we both know that is just a ruse. Ideally, your focus should be on the wedding, your family, and your husband. Sure, you may see her. But if you do, divert yourself back to the reason for your attendance. She is not your reason.

I know that this is difficult. I am sorry you have to do this. But once it is over, it is like quickly pulling the bandaid off a scab. You’ve done it and you don’t have to dread it anymore. You won’t have to continue living your life experiencing the fear of accidentally running into her somewhere. The worst is over.

And it’s all upward from here. Once you rebuild your life, the dread of this sort of thing begins to wane. You realize that it really is about you and how you want to spend your time today and for the rest of your life. I promise you don’t want to spend your time thinking about or being afraid of her presence.

So do what you have to do for your own sake and for the sake of your family and then leave her far behind. Focus on rebuilding your own life. Do not spend one more second on her than you have to. Your best focus is on yourself and on your own healing.  You can read about how I went about my own healing at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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