Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: katie lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are completely baffled — and honestly, outraged — when their husbands swear they still love them after having an affair.

I get comments like:

“He swears up and down that he still loves me and that he never stopped loving me. How can that even be possible? You don’t lie to someone you love. You don’t sneak behind their back. You don’t betray them like that. Real love doesn’t look like this. What kind of fool does he take me for?”

If that sounds like you, please know that every bit of your anger and confusion makes perfect sense. I’ve had those same thoughts myself. When my own husband told me he loved me after his affair, I remember thinking: ‘Then why wasn’t I enough to keep you faithful?’

It’s hard to reconcile the idea of love with an act that feels like the opposite of it. But over time, after years of conversations with other couples  – and countless messages from husbands trying to explain themselves – I’ve come to understand that many of them actually believe they do still love their wives, even while they’re cheating.

I know how crazy that sounds. But let me explain what I’ve learned.

Why His “Logic” Doesn’t Make Sense to You (and Never Will): When my husband cheated, a therapist once told me that I needed to “see things from his point of view.” I remember thinking, That’s impossible. Because I would never cheat. Not under any circumstances. No matter how bad things got.

And I still believe that – most women wouldn’t. We’re natural communicators. If something’s wrong in our marriage, we talk about it, we cry about it, or we hash it out with friends. But we don’t sneak off to solve it in someone else’s bed.

That’s what makes it so hard to understand. You’re trying to find logic in a situation where there really isn’t any. The truth is, he wasn’t using logical thinking. He wasn’t being guided by values, integrity, or even awareness. He was acting impulsively – sometimes selfishly, sometimes numbly  – but almost never rationally.

And that’s why trying to make sense of it from a woman’s emotional framework just leads to more pain. Because we feel before we act. Many men, especially those who are disconnected or struggling internally, act first and think later.

What Many Men Say About Loving Their Wives (Even After Cheating): After I started my blog, I heard from hundreds of husbands who had affairs and were genuinely remorseful. I was surprised by how many of them said almost the exact same thing:

“My cheating had nothing to do with my wife. I still loved her. I just wasn’t loving myself – or our marriage – the right way.”

Now, before you roll your eyes (I would’ve too, back then), hear me out.

What most of these men describe isn’t romance or passion. It’s escape. They weren’t trying to replace their wives  – they were trying to escape the version of themselves they didn’t like. The affair gave them attention, validation, or a distraction from their own unhappiness.

It wasn’t about you. It was about them.

I know that doesn’t make it hurt less. But it can help explain why your husband might swear his love for you hasn’t changed – because, in his compartmentalized mind, it hasn’t.

Men are often able to separate physical behavior from emotional connection. For most women, those two things are deeply intertwined. For many men, unfortunately, they’re not.

That doesn’t excuse what he did. But it can explain why he might insist – sincerely – that his love for you was real even in the middle of his terrible mistake.

When the Affair Fallout Brings Clarity: Another thing I see often is this: a husband who wasn’t particularly affectionate or expressive before the affair suddenly becomes very emotional afterward. He’s full of apologies, declarations of love, and promises to do better.

Many wives tell me, “Now he says I’m everything to him. It’s ridiculous. He didn’t act like that before. He’s only doing it because he got caught.”

I completely understand that reaction. But here’s what I’ve learned – for a lot of men, the shock of what they’ve risked wakes them up emotionally. It’s only when they see you slipping away that they realize what they’ve truly done.

They suddenly grasp what they stand to lose, and that fear forces them to face the depth of their feelings — maybe for the first time.

Is that fair? No. Should it have taken a betrayal to make him realize your worth? Absolutely not. But it happens. And sometimes, that clarity becomes the foundation of a very real, very painful rebuilding process.

Does It Mean He’s Lying When He Says He Still Loves You?: Not necessarily. I know it’s hard to believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now. He’s broken trust. His actions and his words don’t match.

But I can tell you this from years of hearing both sides – many husbands who cheat truly do love their wives. They just didn’t love themselves enough to handle life or marriage in a healthy way.

Love, for them, existed – but maturity, honesty, and respect were missing.

The real question isn’t whether he loved you. It’s whether he’s willing to do the deep, uncomfortable work of becoming someone who’s capable of loving you the right way.

Where I Am Today: I’ll be honest: I didn’t believe a word my husband said in the beginning. Every “I love you” felt hollow and manipulative. But in time – through a lot of tears, therapy, and boundary-setting – we rebuilt.

Today, my marriage is stronger than it’s ever been. I’m stronger, too. I don’t live in fear anymore, and I don’t question my worth.

If you’re in that place of confusion and anger right now, please believe me when I say — it’s okay to feel both furious and heartbroken. Healing takes time. Understanding comes later.

And while you might never fully understand how he could love you and still betray you, you can absolutely reach a place where his choices no longer define your peace.

You can read more about how I rebuilt after my husband’s affair  – and how I stopped needing his words to believe my worth – on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.