Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I get this question a lot from wives who are trying to rebuild their marriage after an affair. And I’ll be honest — it’s a tough one, because it taps into some of the deepest insecurities we have as women. Many wives tell me, “I just want to feel wanted by my husband again. I need to know he still desires me — not just emotionally, but physically.” This is a double whammy – insecurity coupled with neediness – which is completely understandable. Because of this, wives in this situation often have thoughts like:

“If he cheated, was it because I wasn’t attractive enough?”
“Is he still thinking about her when he looks at me or when he is physical with me?”
“Can I ever make him look at me the way he used to or feel sexually attracted to me the way he used to be?”

These thoughts can become painful, and they can do real damage — not just to your confidence, but to the healing process itself. So let’s look about what really affects sexual attraction after an affair. And let’s examine what you can and can’t control, and how you can begin to feel secure and confident in your marriage and in yourself again.

Affairs Aren’t Always About Looks. Not Even Close: One of the first things I want you to understand is that his affair wasn’t necessarily about his physical attraction to the other woman. I know that sounds strange, especially when your self-esteem has taken a massive hit, but it’s true more often than not.

Affairs usually stem from emotional escape, or the need for ego-boosting — not because the other woman was prettier, younger, thinner, or more exciting. But because she was there. She was available. And her desire for him made him feel better about HIMSELF at a time when he was vulnerable.

In fact, many men admit they still found their wife attractive even when they were cheating, but they gave in to the temptation of something different, something forbidden, or something that made them feel powerful or desired. Their need for validation had NOTHING to do with their wife’s attractiveness.

So please remember that and don’t automatically assume that you weren’t desirable enough. That assumption is not only unfair to you — it’s often completely untrue.

It’s Okay to Want to Feel Desired Again: Even if you logically know the affair wasn’t about your looks, it doesn’t mean you’re not struggling with how you feel in your own skin. And many wives say the same thing: “I don’t just want to fall back into our old roommate habits. I want to feel wanted again — like a woman, not just a wife and partner.”

That’s completely valid. Feeling attractive is a key part of emotional and physical intimacy. So how do you go about rebuilding that connection and helping your husband see you in a sexual light again — without feeling like you’re just trying to compete with someone else? And without feeling like you’re trying to be someone you’re not or someone who is just hoping and pretending?

Here’s what I’ve found works best.

Don’t Try to “Outperform” the Affair Partner. Use What You’re Already Got (And What Has Already Worked:) One of the biggest mistakes I see is when a wife tries to completely change herself to be “more exciting” “more tempting” or “more sexual” because she thinks that’s what will keep his attention. And while I absolutely support healthy changes that you want to make for yourself, doing things out of fear or comparison often backfires.

Why? Because it comes from a place of insecurity, not empowerment. And over time, your husband can pick up on that energy. Instead of seeing you as confident and grounded, he senses anxiety and desperation — which, unfortunately, can dampen attraction rather than build it.

The goal is not to compete. The goal is to reconnect — authentically, emotionally, and yes, sexually.

Sure, you want to look your best. If getting a makeover or becoming more fit makes you feel better about yourself, go for it. But don’t try to become someone who you are not. Do what you need to do to feel better for YOURSELF. Noone else.

Focus on Emotional Safety First: This might sound counterintuitive when you’re thinking about sex, but the truth is: emotional safety often precedes physical intimacy — especially after infidelity. Your husband might feel guilt, shame, or confusion. You might feel hurt, vulnerable, or angry. All of these emotions can block genuine attraction from coming back naturally.

As a result, sex can feel awkward. And when it feels awkward, then you mistakenly think the spark is gone or that the attraction is gone when this just isn’t true.

That’s why it’s so important to focus on rebuilding trust and emotional closeness before trying to jump back into a passionate sex life. Always make sure you feel emotionally safe, seen and heard, and that you’re talking honestly about what you want and need.

When emotional intimacy starts to grow again, physical intimacy usually follows. Not because you’re “performing,” but because you’re reconnecting.

Show Up as the Most Confident Version of You: I know confidence might be the last thing you’re feeling after an affair, but bear with me here. One of the best ways to reignite attraction is to reconnect with your own sense of self-worth — outside of the marriage. There’s no way around it. You have to work on yourself. You have to do the things that make you feel strong and competent. You need to pursue your own passions and move your body to energize it. You need to take care of yourself so you know that you can handle whatever comes your way.

When you show up with a sense of your own value, it changes how you carry yourself. And yes, your husband will notice. But more importantly, you will notice — and that internal shift will do more for your intimacy than any external change ever could.

You Can’t Force Attraction — But You Can Nurture It: Attraction doesn’t come from chasing someone or trying to control the situation. It comes from presence, confidence, emotional connection, and mutual respect. And yes — it can be rebuilt after an affair.

The key is not to focus on what she had that you didn’t. The key is to remember who you are — the woman he married, the one he connected with deeply enough to choose in the first place. You don’t have to become someone else to be attractive again. You just have to come home to the best version of yourself.

That’s what he noticed the first time. That’s what he can notice again. He has adored you so much that he married you. That gives you a HUGE advantage. Do not present him with the broken woman who is beaten down by the affair. Approach him with the woman who knows that she deserves the best and will settle for no less.

Want to read more about how I worked (and more than conquered) intimacy struggles in my own marriage after infidelity? You can find more of my story and insights at surviving-the-affair.com. This is no longer a problem for me.

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