How Can I Get My Spouse Back After I Cheated?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are looking for advice in order to help them get back their spouse after they have cheated or had an affair. They often worry that it’s too late and this hurts them deeply because there is nothing that they can do to turn back time. Still, they want to try their very best in order to get back the spouse who they now realize they never want to be without.
I heard from a wife who said: “I cheated on my husband about four months ago. I was going to tell him and I was going to break off the affair and beg him to work on our marriage. But before I could do that, the other man’s wife found out, called my husband, and told him everything. My husband is every bit as furious as I knew that he would be. And he immediately packed his bags and left me. I keep waiting for this situation to calm down so that I can reach out to him and beg him to give me another chance. Every day without him makes me realize how much I want to save this marriage and how much I need to have him in my life. The problem is that he isn’t really receptive to me. I see him regularly because he comes to get our children and spend time with them. The other day when he was here I blurted out how much I missed him. He told me that he missed me too but that he knows himself well enough to realize that he will never be able to get over my infidelity. He said that it hurt him as a man and that this wound is never going to go away. He told me that he was no longer angry at me and that he was going to work very hard to co parent with me in a very healthy way. But he said that for now, he just wanted to be on his own. This isn’t what I wanted to hear. I desperately want to get him back. How can I do this?”
I understand the pain of fearing that you are going to lose your marriage after infidelity. I was the faithful spouse. And there was a long period of time when I wasn’t sure if our marriage was going to make it (or even if it should.) I couldn’t even decide if I wanted to pursue saving my marriage. And thankfully, my husband respected this and gave me the time and space to come to a decision without pressure. But over time and partly because of my husband’s actions, I did eventually decide to try again in my marriage. Below, I will share some things that contributed to that decision.
Getting Your Spouse Back Should Not Be Your Primary Goal. Helping Your Spouse Heal Should Be Your Highest Priority: I am just going to put this bluntly. If all you care about is getting your spouse back because it is something that you want, it is going to be obvious to your spouse that you are more focused on what you want than on what your spouse needs. Your number one priority should be about making this right for your spouse. Right now, your own needs should take a back seat. Your focus should be on helping your spouse with whatever they need.
In this case, meeting these requirements would be a little tricky because the couple wasn’t living together full time. However, they did see one another on a regular basis. So when this wife saw her husband, she could make it her priority to ask about how he was doing and she could ask if there was anything that he needed from her. Another idea was to ask to seek counseling for the co parenting issue. It made sense that this couple needed to heal if for nothing else than to be the best parents possible so that they could continue to be a family no matter what happened with their marriage. Sometimes, this type of counseling eventually paves the way to healing the marriage.
Show Your Spouse That You Are Willing To Do Self Work: Probably one of the biggest things that is keeping your spouse from coming back to you is the worry that you will one day cheat again. I can not stress how incredibly painful it is to have the spouse that you love cheat on you. And sometimes even if you still love your spouse and want to save your marriage, the fear of having to go through this again makes you hesitant. So if you can work on yourself in order to understand why you cheated and in order to one hundred percent prevent it from happening again, then this will usually go a long way toward showing your spouse that you are committed to them and to your marriage and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to heal these things.
I can’t promise you that these things will work and will make your spouse take you back. But frankly, helping your spouse to heal and pursuing your own healing is just the right thing to do and it is going to benefit you regardless of what happens with your marriage. But it is my experience that showing your spouse that you are more interested in helping them recover regardless of what happens will often increase your chances of saving your marriage.
As I alluded to, my husband was very patient and he put my needs ahead of his own. Sure, it was obvious that he wanted to save our marriage, but he was more concerned about me. And this went a long way toward my taking him back. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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