Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are just starting to consider the idea of staying with the husband who was unfaithful. And many of them are struggling with this idea because they can’t imagine how any woman with an ounce of self esteem or self respect would stay with a man who betrayed her. These wives can wonder what this says about their character.

An example of the type of comment that you might hear is: “my husband cheated on me with the woman who takes care of our garden. He insists that it is over. But I am not sure if I believe him. He has fired her. But I still think that he acts weird and distant sometimes. He is begging me not to leave him. And I am considering this for a couple of reasons. The first reason is because of my children. My husband is not my children’s father, but he has given my children a family that they otherwise would not have had. I don’t really want my children growing up with only a single mother. The second reason that I am thinking about staying is because of stability. If I am being honest, being married to my husband allows me the stability to stay home with my children. I honestly don’t want to have to go out and get a job. I don’t have many skills. And I can’t even imagine who would hire me. I am not proud of any of this. But that is my reality. One of my biggest concerns is how am I ever going to retain my self respect if I stay with my husband? What kind of person stays with a man who cheated?”

Before I try to give you my opinion on this, I have to make a very important distinction. I think that there is a difference between staying with a man who cheated in the past tense (and who you believe will not cheat again) and the man who is still actively cheating. There is a huge difference between the two in terms of self respect, at least in my opinion. Because when you stay with a man who is no longer cheating and who is very motivated to become rehabilitated, then you are staying because you truly believe that this was a one time event that will never happen again. You’re not staying while conceding to look the other way while he cheats, because you believe that he most certainly is not going to be cheating again. You’re committing to a future in which you believe he is going to be completely faithful.

However, this reality is different from staying with a man who is still actively cheating. In that case, you are choosing to continue on with your marriage even when you know that he’s not being faithful to you. I’m not saying that there can not be self respect in this scenario. There can, especially if you have high hopes that your situation is going to change in the future. But I think that retaining your self respect is more challenging if the cheating is still happening or is still active.

Maintaining Your Self Respect Has As Much To Do With You As It Does With Him: This wife was concerned about her self respect, but most of her attention was on her husband. She was worried about what would happen in her life if she were to challenge her marriage. Because she didn’t think that she could stand on her own. I’m not about to suggest that she put her children’s home life in jeopardy just to prove a point. I wouldn’t have done that either. But I am going to suggest that you consider working on yourself so that you minimize your risk in the future. I can’t stress this enough. I was in a similar situation. Because I raised my children while my husband worked, I worried that my skills were limited. So after the affair, I set out to obtain more education and more skills. That way, although I choose to stay with my husband because I wanted to keep my family together, I knew that I didn’t need my husband any more to keep food on the table. This went a long way toward helping me to maintain my self respect. I also started asking for what I wanted and needed in the relationship. I realized that my wants and needs mattered just as much as his.

What Kind Of Woman Stays?: In terms of self respect, I’m often asked “what kind of wife stays with a husband who cheated?” I’m going to try to answer that question. But remember, there can be a difference between a husband who cheated in the past and who is making things right in the present and the husband who is still cheating. Here is my answer. The type of woman who stays is often the one who wants to keep her family together. She is the one who still sees the good in her husband and who believes that with hard work and rehabilitation, then perhaps he deserves just more chance. She’s the type of woman who will hang in there when times get hard rather than walking away before she fights for what she has worked so hard for. I don’t mean to sound defensive, but it bothers me when people insinuate that there is something wrong with a woman who stays. Often, people who make these judgements don’t know the back story. They don’t understand all of the hard work that goes into rehabilitation and they don’t understand that this isn’t a decision that any one takes lightly.

Why do I believe this?  Because I was and am one of those women who stays.  And I think that this says that I am a fighter, not someone who is weak. This is only my opinion but I don’t believe that it’s a sign of weakness to stay if you insist on rehabilitation. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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