Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, I hear from people who are dealing with infidelity that has already happened. Occasionally though, I hear from people who are only dealing with the fear on infidelity. In other words, nothing inappropriate has happened. No one has cheated. But one person in the relationship is frightened that this is only a matter of time. And the other person in the relationship is often scrambling to offer reassurance that they aren’t going to cheat.

As an example, I heard from a man who clearly loved his wife. But the couple had issues because the wife had been in three previous relationships in which the man had cheated on her. In fact, her previous marriage had ended because her ex husband had cheated. So, she was always suspicious of her current husband, even though he had not cheated and didn’t have any intention of doing so.

An example of some of his concerns was something like: “I love my wife and I would never cheat on her. But I can not make her believe this no matter what I do. I’m very loyal to her. I shower her with affection. I don’t hide anything from her. But I have to travel for my job quite a bit. This has caused some serious tension between us. Every time I am out at dinner or I don’t immediately pick up the phone when I am away, my wife assumes that I am with another woman. If a female coworker should call me, my wife assumes that her intentions are suspicious even if the coworker is happily married and really just calling about work. I would never cheat on my wife. I’m sorry that other men have cheated on her, but I’m not going to. How do I prove this to her? Her not trusting me is causing problems. I want her to stop assuming the worst. How do I get through to her?”

I felt for this husband. He clearly loved his wife very much. But as a wife who has been cheated on, I could also identify with the wife. Being cheated on once is bad enough. I can’t imagine being in three relationships where there was cheating. And her inability to completely trust is sort of understandable. At the same time, this was clearly hurting their marriage. In the following article, I will offer some tips on how to try to improve this situation.

 Ask Your Spouse To See Things From Your Point Of View And Vice Versa: This is a great exercise for both parties. If you have never been cheated on, it’s very hard to understand the pain and the doubt that it causes. And this pain and doubt can remain long after the event has passed. In order to help the husband understand that this wife was acting out of fear, it would help if he imagined himself on the other end of cheating. Because when you can see yourself as the injured party, then you start to understand that your spouse’s suspicion really isn’t based on your actions. Instead, it is based on her fear.

Likewise, if the wife could imagine herself as loyal and sincere but also dealing with a husband who assumed she was cheating every time she was late, she may see how frustrating it is to be suspected of wrongdoing when in fact you have done nothing wrong and really are trying to do everything right.

Consider Self Help Or Counseling: Hopefully, after the above exercise, the husband could see that the wife was reacting only to fear. And, until she released and moved past that fear, she was going to have a hard time fully and completely trusting any man and any other person. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her husband or believe that he was an honorable and truthful person. It was that she could not shake the fear of the past and she needed help to do that. Quite frankly, once she was able to face her fear and then put it in perspective, she would not have any reason to doubt her husband any longer.

With that said, you don’t want to just demand that your spouse goes to counseling alone. This implies that the problem is hers alone. Instead, it’s better to offer to go with her or, if she resists counseling, to work together with some self help resources. Because even though the issue stems with the wife, it is a couple problem because it is affecting both of them. And if you volunteer to walk this path with your wife, it will show you that you have her back and that she can trust you.

Have Patience And Keep Reassuring Her: Sometimes, husbands in this situation will back off a little bit from their wives because they are trying to train her to stop asking for so much. The thought process is that if he holds back the affection and reassurance, then he is no longer encouraging her insecurity and suspicion. I understand the thought process behind this, but I don’t think that this strategy works. You may just have to accept that, for a while, your wife needs your affection and your reassurance, and, because you love her, this is a small price to pay for her security. It costs you nothing to go out of your way to reassure your wife and check in. And if these small things helps her to feel more secure, than it’s totally worth it.

I really can not stress enough how painful it is when someone cheats on you.  Honestly, you really do build walls around yourself for a while.  So, I really hoped that the husband did not take this personally and understood that she was building these walls based on her fear and not his character or his actions.  I can also tell you that once you truly recover from this, then it is much easier to trust again.  If it helps, you are welcome to read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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