Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Most people believe that they have a good idea of how cheating might affect the faithful spouse. For example, if a husband has cheated on his wife, many people assume that the wife will become angry, bitter, and unable to let go of her anger. And, in some cases, this is true – at least for a little while.

However, BOTH spouses can go through a series of both expected and unexpected emotions that have long term effects on a person’s life. This article will outline what you might see from both the faithful and unfaithful spouse.

The Faithful Spouse: There is a reason that the stereotypical idea of a faithful spouse’s behavior persists. Most of us have strong opinions about how we would feel or react if our own spouse was cheating on us. It’s easy to imagine the shock, anger, devastation, and self-doubt that such an act might cause. We can all identity and empathize with this. And yes, many faithful spouses (myself included) feel many of the emotions that everyone expects of us. Yes, we feel rage, embarrassment, self-blame, self-pity, struggling self-esteem, grief, and sadness. Very often, we direct at least some of our anger at ourselves because we’re frustrated that we allowed this to crop up in our marriages or that we didn’t see it coming.

Unfortunately, many faithful spouses have to grapple with a cheating spouse who is attempting to re-write their marital history. In order to justify cheating, sometimes the unfaithful spouse will try to lay some of the blame onto the faithful spouse. He’ll claim the marriage was struggling or that the faithful spouse wasn’t attentive or present. These accusations can intensify the pain and betrayal, especially when the faithful spouse knows the accusations aren’t true.

Occasionally, the faithful spouse may feel emotions that people do not expect. Some are embarrassed not for themselves, but for their husbands. These women sometimes eventually find humor in the situation. Some feel relief. They’d suspected their spouse of cheating and he’d denied it, calling them paranoid or crazy. So to have validation that you are not crazy can feel pretty good. Some wives wanted out of an unhappy marriage, so the cheating gives them the excuse to exit.

My point is that the experiences of the faithful spouse after an affair can be unique as the spouses themselves. Some struggle for a long time afterward. Others get on with their lives fairly quickly. Some leave their marriages immediately. And others fight for them and are happy that they did (I am in this category.)

The Cheating Spouse: Like with the faithful spouse, there is also the stereotypical view of the cheating spouse. People assume that this is a middle-aged man who is giddy to suddenly feel desired again. And, to be sure, some people who cheat do fit this stereotype. Regardless of the situation, many people do feel glee in the initial stages of an affair. However, this rarely lasts. Soon enough, reality sets in with all the guilt, shame, and embarrassment that comes with it.

This behavior can bring about self-loathing as the cheating spouse struggles to explain his poor judgment. Unfortunately, it’s rare for cheating to remain a secret. Soon enough, friends, family members, co-workers, and members of the community are well aware of the cheating and ready to pass judgment about it. Children can completely turn their back on a cheating spouse. In these cases, infidelity can ruin the parental relationship forever.

Understandably, the faithful spouse can also retreat or keep their distance, making the cheating spouse feel as if he has nowhere to turn. Adding to this frustration, the cheating spouse can sincerely want to make up for his actions, but he will never be given the chance because the anger runs so deep. Some people will feel that this type of betrayal can never be made right. That is why some cheating spouses describe their cheating as “a mistake I will have to pay for the rest of my life.” In some cases, this is a true statement.

It is very rare for anyone to exit an affair unscathed. The cheating and faithful spouse often experience intense pain that can last for some time. If anyone reading this is considering cheating or has just started an affair, my hope would be that this article gives you pause so that you either never cheat to begin with, or that you end the affair immediately.

There is almost never an upside to cheating. And the downside can follow both you and your innocent partner around for years. It’s just not worth the pain, which, incidentally, is completely avoidable. I hope this article has shown that there is a wide variety of emotions and consequences that follow infidelity, with most of them being negative.

That doesn’t mean that a person can’t recover. They can. But it is easier and less painful to avoid the situation altogether. You can read about how we recovered from the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com  But, I would never tell anyone that the recovery was easy.

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